Christmas Day '05

christmas day, chocolate, my sister's boyfriend, this is how the day began

my cutie in-love parents....awwwwww

...and then things got punk-wild

mmmmm. holidays with the family.

i love it! but it's not for the faint of heart or the easily frightened. we're....well, we're family!

crazy holidays - evening # 1 - the great northern - whitefish, MT

well well well.
not like any holiday season I've ever known before. i'm pre-dating my posts to better portray the progression of interesting and otherwise entertaining evenings that have filled that past few weeks.
let me just say that I love my new canon a610 and i can now again blog through the lense of a camera which is truly the best expression of a moment in most cases.
so here's the pre-christmas festivities of december 23rd in whitefish. I saw so many people that night I haven't talked to in years, and we danced and we danced and we danced!!!!!
who would've thought it?

the three musketeers and an honorary partying member!

yeah, she really is...

you'll never guess which one had been drinking...

uhm , i think they're trying to look tough

to really breathe

tonight, amidst the freezing rain and the twinkle of distant christmas lights, i miss the ocean. this year is quite possibly the most beautiful christmas of any i've known. white, crisp, cozy, all a-sparkle with starlight, christmas lights and candles burning. it does, however seem a better host to a similarly lighthearted spirit and a calmness of heart which i have not lately possesed. while words are to me the most industrious of tools for navigating through the mazes and traps of life, i am too often lately bereft of my defenses. wordless, if you can believe it. and so i miss the ocean.

it demands no words, no explanations. it requires no commitment to one opinion or another and yet provides unwavering company and given bare feet and time to stroll even a certain sense of affection. to spend an hour staring into it's nothing, never seeing the same thing twice is to feel at once available to the vaste expanse of its open water and protected by the unchanging presense of wave, upon wave, upon wave....
everything about a cold, white christmas feels like home to me. each small tradition and article of warm clothing knits a piece of my heart and my past into who I am now. but tonight, i am strangely restless and i feel longing press against the barrier that has stolen my words.

i miss the ocean, and the evergreen goodness of wide, green, rain-loving leaves. the indistinct murmer of birds who have never been silenced by winter.
oh and i miss the smell of warm, wet air. to breath that in is like tasting morning and breathing sunshine.

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again
The Breaking of the Fellowship, LOTR Soundtrack

no one to blame

the situation is frighteningly familiar in feeling, wracked with frustrations and very short on solutions. i have never had less of a clue about how to solve a problem such as this one. trying not to care and be ok isn't working, and can't think of one thing i can do to make this easier. the whole mess caught me totally by surprise, and contrary to normal procedure my "get over it " button seems to be broken.
i have no control whatsoever, over anything. even my tears defy the walls i keep them behind.
damn mascera altogether.

thank you mr. bedingfield

"is it fair to write a song to a woman
is it ok to try and win her heart
is it love to bring her sonnets in the morning time
to express the first few longings when they start...

but if i wrap my words around you
wrap my words around you
if i wrap my words around you would you stay
would you stay...

would you stay, would it play
with your heart..."

polite

it's easy to be thoughtful when someone is already on your mind. it's easy to prefer someone's preference when you already prefer them over everyone else. sometimes it's love, sometime's you're just being polite.

think about what it isn't.

christmas lights

something comes along and it feels like love.
but what it is really????

tippers make better lovers.

what is it that makes a person so easy to like, and even love, but so impossible to fall in love with?
what exactly do we put in our list of standards for attractive people that so often excludes the ones who love us most and best?
you know who i'm talking about. the "buddy". the one we call to talk about the one we love, the one who hears our woes, the "buddy" the "best friend".
he's the guy you tell all your friends they should hook up with, and she's the girl who you're sure will make someone a fabulous wife someday. why aren't we with that person? what's missing?

"you're not the kind of person someone dates, you're the kind of person someone marrys..."

I don't want to be a best friend and not a lover, and I don't want a lover who isn't my best friend. If he comes along will I fail to see past my "buddy"? When I love him will I ever mean more to him than a good friend?

What is it about a person that makes us need them? love them? need to love them? What key difference gives us the inspiration to spend a lifetime with someone in particular beyond our own compulsion not to live alone? What is it if not the one that is our best friend, the one to whom we hold no secrets from?

i could love you so good.
i said i'd always be there,

and even when i thought i'd changed my mind,

even left you behind,

i found myself still waiting,

still waiting for you to let me love you.
i could love you so good

life wouldn't be so cold with you beside me.
i would take care of you

and you would hold me

i still love you so good

even if you don't know
even when i don't care

i still love you so good

I like 'em how I like my....

A few years back I had a friend who said she could describe her ideal man like a good cup of coffee. It proceeded to sounds like a nice description to the effect of tall dark and handsome. I wondered if I could do the same, but never really could come up with something.
With the change in the weather and my affection for free wireless internet, I find myself drinking a lot more coffee. I’ve discovered that, while I do try something new from time to time, my favorite consistently goes something like this.

Tall Double Shot White Chocolate Latte with 2% and Whip Cream on top.
Strong, sweet and hot.

Now tell me that doesn’t sound like an attractive man.I’ll just leave it at that for now.

Don't you realize that you're still just as much in my heart as you were when I said goodbye? There are just certain corridors I don't walk down as often. It doesn't feel as lonely if I don't walk past doors to people I love/d and see them shut. I try not to pass your way. Lately it seems like every little thing has taken me back to your door. You're still there, shut inside with all the things I loved and admired and despised and didn't understand about you; you're still there. In that place in my heart that formed when I met you, for you... It's that you-shaped place inside I don't know what to do with.

Sometimes you whisper into my life again and I go reeling back to a time and place when I understood, at least for a moment what my life was, who I was - when your whisper wasn't far away. There are dreams and realities that started with you which haven't finished...so how can you be gone? I'm never sure that you are. Still not sure. I just know you're always there, behind a door in my heart that I didn't close, but it's......far.

And this is not one door, or just one you, or just one dream. I wish I knew who I was talking about speficially. All the yous who have etched themselves into my heart with or without my permission. All the doors closed or screened to my past, ambigiously present, unpredictably part of my future. But you're still here, and I still have love for you...

Songs Online

As part of my new resolve (slowly developing but there) to get myself and the music in my life organized and brought back to life I've started with setting up a new myspace account for musicians. They allow 4 songs hosted for free, though they're not available to download, so now people who've been asking me about the ever illusive "CD" can listen online for now. I'm hoping this will help inspire me to get more songs recorded and to do a better job this time than I did the last. After a very quickly assembled and less than best "demo" in the summer of 2004 I have become wary of trying to get such a thing pulled together again on my own, but I'll be putting some work into the process one way or another.
As part of the School of Worship in Los Angeles, which I am currently applying for, I'll be able to write and record a song for the school album. Real time in a professional studio and getting to see a song of mine go beyond my own personal musicianship will be a goal come to life. Getting to play with a band downt here also will be a huge learning experience, as my past collaborations were few and far between. I have so little experience playing with other musicians and actually developing a song I've written from chords and words to a real song that I'm sure I don't even know where to begin. However the opportunity is exactly what I've been hoping for. The application should be fully sent by the beginning of next week and then I should hear whether I'm accepted shortly after that.
Yeah, for the longest time I was convinced that SoW was just not the thing for me. It's both funny and ironic the way that God chooses to correct our attitudes, and just how well He does know our true needs and desires.

in between the lines

any words i try to use to describe how i think and feel when i think and feel you seem to roll off like water on a well-waxed windshield. i'm adding information in between the lines of old memories and i suppose if i was writing in ink there would be tear stains. it's the kind of disturbed and unfinished thoughts that keep my forheard wrinkled and my words unable to assimilate.

pity, no - you're too strong to need it. empathy, no - i didn't live you. sympathy, no - you don't need more sorrow. angry, maybe a little.
it's twisted and wrong and it hurts me just knowing how it hurt you. it stole a part of you i'd have liked to know then. back then. in my memories.

the official post-high school experience

Once again I heave a sigh of relief as another typical bought of living-in-montana unemployment comes to an end. Since I came back from California I've been able to keep the income at a less than negative status by working a few random shifts at the Raven and cleaning a house which tied me over between the decision to stay in Montana for the fall and finding a job. For the first two weeks I was home I wasn't sure if I'd be leaving again at the end of September for Denver so I wasn't even looking for work. Now, however, I know that I will be here at least until the first of the year and I'm happy to say that I started a job on Monday that should earn me enough money to go on 'the next step' when it arrives.

Monday was my first day of training at Appleebees. In explanation of the post title it seems like those who stay in Kalispell long enough without a career-type form of employement usually end up working at this restaurant at one time or another. Thus, I have joined the click. After three nights working as a hostess I feel like I'm getting the hang of how things work. Every restaurant is so different, and after working at the Raven with it's small crew, high volume and generally laid-back-type organization I have to get used to the ultra organized 20+ person crew environment. Even so I'm already getting to know some of my co-workers which makes it feel more normal to be there.

On the note of co-workers though, there is a small point of discomfort I am attempting to address. Did anyone read my post from back in the spring where I oh so slyly put off my fellow bag-person in his pursuit of taking me out to dinner? Well to make an awkward story short there's a guy at work now, the 4' tall 28yr old dishwasher, who's been trying to ask me out since my first night at work. Always asking "what do you do for fun?" and "what're you doing after work tonight?" I told him that I was reading a book, which I was, that I had to finish. The next night he asks if I'm done with it. "Yup, I got another one." I reply. I don't want to be rude but uh no I don't really feel like going out for a drink with this total stranger who looks at me all the time.

Anyways, it's the only thing I haven't liked about the job so far. I try not to think about it, but for whatever reason I'm just creeped out. I'm thinking about going to Wal-Mart before work today and replacing my silver left-hand ring with some cheap cubic zirconium or plastic diamond engagement-type thing. Maybe it'll just stop all the oddness to look otherwise 'engaged'. I might just wear it all the time at work, it should ward off more harassing than my normal 'tough girl' aura.

from my journal last week

i feel like i've been living like a ping-pong ball. back and forth, hit and drop, scoring a point here and there. maybe i've been treating my life like a fishing rod. casting here and there, coming back with this plan or that plan for my life. all this searching and i think the answer came to me laying on the edge of awake.

what number?

if you called me i'd want to be honest. but i don't know how much you want to hear. would i lie? when you ask me how i'm doing will i say 'good' and talk about the weather? or will i tell you about how i feel like the sand in an hourglass, just passing through, accomplishing nothing, changing nothing, until i get turned upside down again? for some reason i can't think of anything but being absolutly honest with you. how will you take it?

deliberately

uh, spell check that me would you please?

It is with full intention I have not given any shall we say concrete information about my life recently, beyond location and age which are not at the moment prone to chance. Well, i take that back on location, that's been known to change quite without warning as well. So let's go with what we know about me for sure. I'm 21 years old now. Big deal.

I feel like I led everyone on about the whole pub crawl idea. See, it was a great idea, but in reality going to the same two bars I always go to, and in the exact same order, doesn't suffice for birthday celebration on any great level. We had dinner, we went to the Raven, I saw the cute boy and the band play, I danced a little. Highlight: My sister punched me in the nose while we were dancing and peed her pants a little because she laughed so hard. I didn't really know what was going on at the time. I was concentrating on the throbbing of my nose and keeping my feet and boobs in thier respective shoes and shirt while my brother continued to spin me ruthlessly into other unsuspecting dancers. But the story about the peeing is what will be remembered no doubt. My sister was the driver and she got impatient and wanted to leave after not very long. I can understand though, it's never comfortable walking around in wet pants (just kidding!). Thus we ended up at the Garden Bar. Let me just say that when summer ends it's really over. I don't want to go out again in Bigfork for any reason other than a holiday until at least June. There's just no party left in it. With the absense of the cute guitar player and the continued addition of shots to my pizza-full stomach I was tired by 11:30 and ready to go home. Highlight: at 11:59 my buddy Simon (!!!!) called to wish me a happy birthday. The second of two friends who called to do so that day. Basically because of that the night ended on a good note, though he was disappointed when I told him I wasn't drunk and ordered me to immediatly go back into the bar, become so, and then call him back. It's just not right to take shots by yourself though. I called or texted a bunch of my Raven friends that night because Bigfork was boring and empty without their familiar drunkeness.

In other news..... my odometer looked like this (300,000) when I pulled out of my driveway this morning. I tried to take a picture but my camera is still retarded.

Today I am puppy-sitting for a friend. My companion is a 7 week old blue heeler/australia shepherd cross. His name is Mel. He's deaf. I like to call him Special Ed. Don't tell.

7hrs and some minutes till....

I'm excited. My new favorite fun-band is playing at The Raven tomorrow night. And tomorrow is my 21st birthday. They're called Supro and they live in California, which I no longer do, and I'm happy because I didn't think I'd get to hear them play again. Now I do, and it'll be my birthday. And I had a little crush on the lead singer. But so does everybody so it's no big deal. It is a big deal however that I am excited, because up until this new information surfaced I was having trouble getting excited at all about turning 21 here in Montana, which was completly unplanned.
Apparently I have also given all care for grammar to the wind in light of my birthday and this post is like one big run-on fragment somethingorother. I'm still bummed that so many of my friends live too far away to celebrate with me. Amber, Emily and I will have to brave the pub crawl on our own this time. Thanks in advance to the sister's-boyfriend Josh for making safe driving possible this weekend. Wish you all could be here, whoever you are that read this. A party is always better with more people.
This is a dumb post. You'd think reading it that i'd already started the party, sadly that's not true.

delinquent

i realize that in my little welcome blurb to my right here i mention that this blog is supposed to be both written and photographed moments in my life. about november of last year my canon powershot A70 felt that after nearly three months of faithful service it's level of cooperation and reliability could drop from a 100% to about a 3. That's about a three percent. Needless to say that's almost low enough to exclude any possibility of working when needed. It did however deign to function on one or two occasions in the past few weeks and thus a photgraphic montage of no specific theme or purpose is before you today. Just a few snapshots of myself or my recent surroundingss. With my approaching birthday the possesion of my idiot camera may yet be remedied thanks to the heightened significance of my 21st year beginning. that heightened significance meaning i may be able to combine the next 11 years worth of christmas and birthdays and split the cost on a camera that's not broken. we'll see. for now. i hope you like the pictures. I was going to say enjy the vacation from words with pictures as a replacement, but as it turns out here are a lot of words to go along with them.

Happy Autumn!

this is my art collage from under my bed at CCBC. Cari sleeps here now, and all the pictures are gone. It's a little sad. Art temporary i suppose.

Click image for larger view

hello broken camera back from the dead

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see i was in california. this is me and my friend jessica on our way home from oceanside.

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i went to a baseball game. the grey team won. we sat in the front row as seen through my feet.

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motional: both having movement and feeling emotions, sometimes simulataneously

i made up a new word. motional. it's my word for the week. or maybe for the year.
it's the word for when life changes right underneath your feet. when you feel fine, but if you try to explain it you might cry. when you've packed over half of what you own and moved it and you're still not sure if you should unpack when you arrive. it's when home becomes the most ambiguous word. it's second guessing and feeling humbled and asking lots of questions. sometimes it's because you feel like there couldn't possibly be more good-byes in your life if you planned them. most of the time you feel silly thinking about it or immature or something.

there's more to it, but that's all for now.
ever felt motional???

cuz momma, momma i commin' home....

"That John Denver's full of s%^&! I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little more rocky!" - Dumb and Dumber

Tomorrow I leave for Montana. This has been a lesson in...something. A lot of things actually. I'll only be home for a little while

Being here has spun me. I came ready to put my heart into a new time and place and when I got here I couldn't get my footing. Then it seemed like the instant I felt my heart turn and I saw the path that was leading me away, something got beneath my skin and now I am torn. My course doesn't change now, it just hurts when something hangs on as I walk away. I suppose I brought it on myself, but it makes me want to run. I spent the last two nights trying to walk it off, around the lake by myself over and over and....I guess it'll just take time and trying to forget like all the other times. One quick moment and I wasn't free, that's all it took.

There's nothing like rejection to help you close a door.

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are pictures of ghosts"

God i'm lonley tonight.
for a few hours i felt the opposite of lonely. wanted.
and then the moment passed and it left me sore.
like a wound that's pain has dulled whose bandage is removed.
fresh blood flows.
i suppose it's part healing process part agrivation.
the pain brings shadows of my past pushing and shoving past each other to the screen my memory plays in my mind.

when did i become so afraid of being alone?
so strong, so independant, without need....
that girl is gone.

walk away girl.
don't let it feel you girl.
pretend you want it this way.
say something sarcastic, you'll feel better.

in a moment i'll erase the memory of wanted and lonley will just feel like normal, or it won't feel but it will be normal.
however for this moment, because today was a heavy blow, i'll take a pause to wash my pain in sighs.

prospecting

where is peace?
and the piece of me it took with it.
one hand over my eyes and one hand over my ears left me blind and deaf.
no hand to receive, no perception of depth and words sounding mumbled together.
just like drunk when any idea seems like a good idea.
convinced even that it's perfect, in a dull witted moment.
i'm hungover from my own ideas filling my head and slowing my senses.
this week is my headache. this adventure my nausea of dehydration.
all my best intentions look like thin white paint over an ugly stain.
it should've been red.

like a prospector i've gone west in search of gold and arrived in the desert.
my pan and my pick are good tools, i bought them.
but they are of no use if i am supposed to be planting.
how much more appealing to mine gold than to plant wheat?
immediate results.
and the ground here is not for wheat.

saving face is no longer an option.
failure feels like a scalple running over the scar where my pride has died before.
cut the cancer again.
it needs to die.

i awoke from my stupor sometime early yesterday.
i waited for you to pour salt on my wound and assign my penance.
"stay in your hole and wait for spring" i thought you'd say.
instead i saw your arm, not raised to strike, but to caress and comfort.

i couldn't come near, but you wait.
all this prospecting, all my good intentions merely shadows of goodness.
little regrets and huge hurdles lie strewn around me.
"go back to where you left off" you say.
so simply.

you require nothing and yet i heap responsibilty on myself.
my disheveled look and the stupid life rearranging details don't embarrass you.
whatever i could find to pass the time i filled my head with.
all the best intentions were nothing to me because i insist on doing things myself.

by some unseen grace i have found the piece of me i left behind.
hardly the way i remember it.
but the peace is here again.
what can humiliation bring but a need for something to cover myself with?
to hide the red rising behind my ears.

you cover me.
you're my hiding place.

show me how to put my feet.

i wish somehow i could explain this summer. but there are too many names and even more faces. dreams i can remember and conversations i can't. questions i don't understand and answers i do.

love is like air. not romance, just love. like air when you realize that it's been months since you consciously took a breath. and so you breath, and air is sweet. and it's all around you, but you still don't understand it. and you still have to take another breath because in a moment you need it again. it's there but you can't explain it. you need it but one breath is never enough. and sometimes the sweet smells of memories are there. but more often they're not. and you still need air. love is like air.

all of my emotions this summer, they hurt a lot like love and i'm trying not to hold by breath.
summer ends tomorrow.

just a few more last times and goodbyes.

california,

what's inside you?

something for me?

where will you fit in my head?

will the air taste like love when i hear the ocean and smell the wind?

not too late

it seems like every time i make the point of saying 'i don't want to stay out too late' i come home later than the nights before. what am i gonna do with myself when i have a midnight curfew? yuk. i don't hate the rules, but my extreme nocturnal tendancies this summer will take a while to correct themselves. i suppose in california it's better not to stay out till 2 in the morning anyways.

even though they don't read this i'd like to give a shout out to the nice boys from Missoula i met last night. jake, buddy and dave (DJ something i can't remember). nice guys. maybe Missoula isn't a total wash. ;)

hmmm. i think my bbq is getting rained out. it's like 55 degrees today.
i will miss montana.

cruise control

uh, just had to record my wierd accomplishment of the day. enroute from leaving the lake late for work and arriving i changed from my bikini into a tank top and shorts. yes, i was the driver. cruise set at 35mph i managed what i never would've guessed i could. i arrived very grateful for the privacy two-lane highways provide. Next time i shouldn't debate for so long about calling in sick and just leave for work on time.

the countdown returns

if you were here last summer you'll remember the countdown that always comes at the end. here's this year's...

Days until I:
say good-bye to my parents - 3

host a sweet BBQ - 4
have my last day of work - 9

leave for California - 11
move onto campus - 14
start classes at Calvery Chapel Bible College- 21
have my 21st birthday (!) - 38 (unofficial celebrations begin tonight! hehehe)
___________________________________________________________

It's still a bit surreal that I'm this summer is ending so quickly and I'll be living in southern california at bible college. I spent a lot of time thinking about the decision so it's not really last minute, but it only became official last week which makes it seem so. I'm excited to be headed somewhere with by brother for the first time. The last three years have tended to place us in extreme opposites of location. It will be such a blessing not to have to say goodbye to him along with everyone else. I can hardly believe my baby sister is starting college at University of Montana at the end of this month as well. She pretty much grew up behind my back. I wish I knew her better.

__________________________________________________________

For some reason the words "I miss you" have always been just as meaningful to me as "I love you". It's like when someone says " I miss you" it implies that they love you even when you're not around. That to me is so special. I'm sure plenty of people don't think of it the same way, but I've always been hesitant to say it unless i wanted someone to know just how much I cared.

For as many people as have come and gone in my life I seem to have made a habit of letting go. It's not that I want to all the time, but that I know how to and it comes kindof naturally when that seems to be the only thing I can do. It's part of my self-defense mindset which I know is not entirely that great, but I've never wanted to miss someone more than they miss me. So if they don't seem to I respond accordingly, if I can.

Denial. That has a lot to do with it. If I don't talk about you or think about you, you're not part of where I'm at, so there's no hole. I'll laugh at a memory and then talk about something else. I'll keep the file with your pictures closed. I won't listen to the voice mail I saved. I won't miss you, because it hurts too much like love. And you're too far away. All of you. You're all so far away. I want to miss you, but I almost don't remember how. I'm sorry.

assorted thoughts

* it used to be dark outside my house. now our neighbors' yard lights light up our house like a full moon. who needs four lights on the their garage, and why are they still on at 1am?*

*i sang at margarita monday this week. that's the first time i've sung in a bar. i felt just as close to God performing in a bar as i do in church. there's something in it that's not of myself, and it was good to remember that feeling. it's been a while. *

* my 'climb the stairs' muscles are tired. i worked really hard tonight. then at the end i forgot to charge someone for $85 worth of food. i feel like crap about it. bad way to end a night where i worked so hard. my boss didn't make me pay for it. i think i might've felt better if he had.*

*i love water. and i have a real appreciation for sobriety.*

* summer is quickly coming to an end. it's official now, i'm moving to southern california. i made my payment today for bible college.*

* i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.*

* i love taking showers in the dark.*

*final thought*

*i'm really going to miss my big sister when i leave. becasuse of working nights i've hardly seen her all summer. it makes me sad just thinking about it. *

* i love you emily! *

SunDay FunDay - "it's a damn party!"

I wish I could write about how I had fun in the sun at a party on the lake, the perfect SunDay FunDay you might think, but actually I worked from 10am to 930pm, two different jobs. Although despite the heat and the tiredness of my feet it wasn't an altogether bad time.

I was at the restaurant for the first half of the day and then I went and helped serve dinner somewhere the other half. The best part by far was when I drove back to the Raven and dove off the dock into the slightly storm-tossed lake. It was the perfect temperature and the exact refresher I needed after a very hot and practically non-stop day. I wasn't that stoked that my knee (previously agravated on the aforementioned 12 mile hike, but pain-free for the last few days) was really stiff and sore as soon as I sat down after going in the water. I will say that I enjoyed the swim as much as I've ever enjoyed being in the water. Floating in the waves with the wind and the half-dark around me was kindof surreal. I should've stayed longer.

dichotomy

"She's such an amazing woman," She said. " I don't think there's a shallow bone in her body."

For some reason when my friend said that about a particular woman she admired I felt the deepest sense of conviction. "Could that be said about me?" I wondered. Without pause I knew the answer to that would have to be no. That surity disappointed me.

I have felt for some time now that I lost something along the way. I can't decided if I've become someone I'm not, or if I've become the someone that I am. Or if I'm really stuck somewhere in between just waiting for the right person to come along and 'bring out the best' in me if it's in there.

On the other hand I think the last few weeks have helped me to feel and understand some things in a way that's more deep and real; invaluably more than I ever did before. Some depth regained I suppose.

I know that the key to a good post is to make it short and sweet, so I'll end this. I'm still trying to figure out a small way to encompass the last month. Maybe I'll figure it out before the month is over.

ps: the tall cowboy is moving back to the midwest.

pps: i did not have a crush on a hick, he just happened to be riding right before i saw him.

ppss: no love lost here.

a day off worth remembering

as the summer has progressed i have found myself stuck in this pattern of waiting around to work, not working enough, and always being at work when something worthwhile seems to be going on elsewhere. coupled with that i don't think i've ever had a summer disappear so utterly fast.
in light of my inconveniet schedule, boredom and the fact that it's alread the middle of July i couldn't turn down the offer to go hiking in Glacier Park on monday. for growing up here i have surprisingly little experience hiking in general, and especially in the park.
i guess this doesn't have to turn into a lengthy description, but the point is i should've been daunted by the fact that it was a 12 mile hike, and i wasn't. even though my body protests the previous day's decisions, i am really proud of myself. there is a certain sense of accomplishment knowing you used a few hours of your day to cover such a long distance on foot.
summer is still disappearing, so i am determined to get more out of the days, which i might add are hot and finally worthy of season. thursday i plan to tube the swan river, and hopefully this weekend we're renting a raft and riding the rapids down the middle fork.
i'll get the most out of this summer yet. now i just need to remedy the minute size of my paycheck and the season won't be a total wash.

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Fourth of July Weekend with my beautiful friend Amber!

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What does my birthday mean?

I don't know exactly what kindof information this is derived from. But it is, however, surprisingly accurate about my personality.

Your Birthdate: September 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

rules of engagment?

so how exactly does one proceed from interested stranger to intimate friendship?

rules? strategy? opportunity? luck, looks, likes, love????

the only tip i've ever been given is that they like a challenge. i promise i can be that.

but how to engage the initial interest?

it bothers me that i even ask these questions because i don't want it to be neccesary for me to solicite attention. even with my recently quite blonde hair and my new affinity to bright colors i don't function with the intention of making people notice me.

but i do want him to notice me. to be interested. to pursue.

a little eye contact. a brief introduction. an odd joke. laughter. encounter finished.

it's nothing to go on.

but i feel so pent up about it. so utterly without influence on the situation.

and incredibly impatient.

everybody noticed the tall cowboy when he walked in. at least every single female.
there will be competition.

under my shallow attractions and frustrated impatience. i really am looking for a friend.

i'll shut up. i'll wait.

advice welcome.

make up your madness

"what are your plans for today?" my dad asks me this morning. "not like, today-today," he adds, " but your plans today?
"i don't know." i say. and continue to stare at my cereal.

remember how in school the mulitple choice question tests were always the best? the idea that one of the answers would unquestionably be provided in writing was almost always more comforting than trying to fish one out of the ai-eerhh eh i mean out of your memory.

life is a little bit like that. only the answers are now labeled well beyond D, there is no "all of the above" option and there is more to it; you have to figure out the real question, not just the answer.

that's how i feel. a hundred mulitple choices, each equally valid and enticing.....and i'm still not sure about the question.

when? where? in what order? to what end? for whom?

"3,500 miles away..."

all i know is that i'm not confused at all about how i feel. i just feel it. which isn't exactly normal at all, but i could get used to the idea. especially in retrospect of the emotional roller coaster i have ridden the past two months, along with my tendancy towards feeling quite fickle, this, this i'm just not confused about.

i would look at you because i liked what i saw, that's not new to me. the funny thing was just how often your eyes were already looking for me. what did you see? i wonder. not what it means or what could come of it, strangely i didn't wonder those things. i don't think i will bother to ask those questions tonight.

i feel no need to hide my revelation of opinion on the matter. likewise i feel no need to act upon it either. that's up to you, and i'm okay with that as well.

it's just such a peace to know that simply put i like you. like, without all the misconceptions and inferences that accompany such a statement, just simply like.

it wasn't anything. there isn't 'something'. but it could have been, it could have been the beginning of something.

as always my experiences, opinions and feelings toward such are left to the workings of time.

rather it is in God's hands, the likes of which i am thankfully becoming more and more reassured with, and i will not make anything more of my feelings than what they are.

lofty promises - true, but attainable.

you might forget me, i might forget you. but if i ever meet your eyes again i know i'll remember...and i'll like it.

iPod iBlog iGo

it should be classified as an obsession, but given the fact that it's only lasted a few days i am glad that the fever will pass. what fever is that you wonder? the one that has kept me up till at least 1:30am the last few nights. loading my new iPod. it is a terribly tedious process converting all my existing files and then ripping album after album from their scratched plastic discs onto my now quite congested hard drive, only to wait for them to assimilate in thier shiny white new home. elmer. i named the iPod elmer. i don't know why exactly except that when i went to name it as i was promted by the installation process to do calling it ''julie's iPod'' just wouldn't do at all, and elmer was the obvious alternative. so elmer it is.

elmer and i will be leaving in 8 hrs (yes, i will try to sleep, shower, eat and drive to the airport in that time) for Toronto together. the company during my 12+ expected hours of traveling will be a delight, though it will only put the smallest mark of a thought of a dent in the ''earning it's worth'' required to equal the bucks shelled out for this my newest of technological aquisitions.

well that's enough prose for 1 o'clock in the morning. off to bridesmaid endeavor 2005 #2 - Rhiana (already) Ehara awaits me. so off I go.

toronto via minniapolis, detriot, and buffalo; both greyhound bus and consequent taxi ride not to be forgotten.

iPod, iBlog, iGo.

Goodnight.

not this season

You're just behind me. I swear if I just turn around you'll be there.

My phone is about to ring. You're on your way to meet me right now, I'll only be waiting a few more minutes.

My phone stays silent and still. Eventually I finish my coffee, turn off my laptop and go home, alone. Maybe next time.

I don't really feel impatient, I'm content to wait for you to come at just the right time. This week I just feel on edge, like you just might come up behind me and poke my side. With a quick gasp that would lead immediatly into a blush I would turn around and this feeling of my heart holding its breath would go. Then there would be two coffees and conversation and....

I'm only guessing. Usually I try not to think about you at all. But today you feel too close, no more near to me than your usual absense, but somehow close.

These days I enter a room and instinct has my eyes scanning the room before I realize I have no idea who I'm looking for.

One coffee. Just my laptop, my coffee and me.

What's better than one cup of coffee?

Nothing.

Unless I could stop wishing for two.

Bartender

I love winning! I LOVE winning!" he said laughing loudly over the bar. And he was a man, she knew, who had come to love winning because he always, always, did; except once. Or at least once when it mattered most. For that loss he had found no forgiveness, it was obvious in the tone of his voice that begged someone to defy him. He had a daughter once, from his first marriage. She died when she was three months old. He had told her as much among other details woven into the afternoon’s stories.

"Tell her the one about that time you...." his companion would say as she laid a hand on his arm. Without missing a beat, another story of this party or that woman would flow seamlessly with the preceding topic of conversation. So for what seemed like the better part of the overcast afternoon she listened, often laughing for lack of an appropriate response to his tales of less than appropriate behavior. More often though she strove to school her features and control the blushing that so frequently gave away her innocence. He was a shameless flirt and, if not altogether forward, the older man had no qualms about talking of lovemaking and mistress-taking among other things.

Yet they talked of other things too. Travel, culture, family and, breaking nearly every rule a bartender should wisely follow, they even spoke of ethics and religion. She was never shy to plainly state her chosen direction in life and talk about the person who inspired her to do so. Yet regardless of the fact that he knew her beliefs it could only be described as surprise, pity and respect wound together in the man's eyes when she quietly asserted that, despite his heartfelt advice to embrace youth and love with as many as she could or would, she intended to love and be with only one man.

It was humbling, she admitted to herself, to take such an unmoving stance on a subject which she was by far the least educated or experienced among the three conversing. Even believing herself to sound idealistic, something she left behind years ago, and in that likely sounding quite foolish as well, it was without embarrassment that she gave no hint of second guessing herself; that, she did not do. For she truly did believe, even in that humbling moment, that she would find just one.

"I'm so proud of you," he began. "That your religion is so important to you. I think it's just such a great thing. I am not a very religious man, at all. But I think it's great for you."
It was not the first time she had heard him say this, except this time he went on.
"It used to be different for me though. But when my daughter died of leukemia we parted ways and it's been that way ever since. You don't mess with me," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. "You screw with me and that's it!"
With an emphatic slap on the bar he took his wine glass in hand, as if to portray a casual confidence in his statement, and continued.
"God took my daughter away from me which He should NOT have done. Jesus f$%^&*# owes me one!"
He looked away, sipping the chardonnay with none of the heat and emotion in his voice and words affecting his outward appearance.
"Explain to me how God would let a wave come up out of the ocean and kill 200,000 people if he was really out there anyways?"

Immediately the conversation shifted as he, again without pause, joined the conversation that had started nearby. She, however, was still leaning against the counter on her side of the bar speechless, just as she had found herself throughout his entire exposition. Bitterness and grief had hung so heavily to his words that it was not a nervous blush she had worked to conceal but the tears that sprung unbidden to her eyes. Carefully she had been able to keep them from showing as he spoke looking directly at her. He did not want her pity, she knew, and neither were there any words, had she thought of some, that would have reached his ears while he spoke of this long-harbored grudge against God and the injustice done to him. Still taken aback by the open door she had just seen into this man's past, it was the surge of compassion that came with her tears which found resolution in taking this man up on a request he had made earlier. He had commented on her religious beliefs before, but the first time that day he had brought it up was to say, "Next time you talk to Him, tell God I could use some help." After this explanation of their estrangement her answer, though not out loud, was to reply simply, "I will pray for you Jack. I will."

It is not every day you see a piece of a man's soul, even less often the bound and tormented pieces of one who is the picture of success, wealth and freedom. She did that day. She saw the truth that a man who loved winning had tragically lost a daughter, but truly he had chosen his own greatest tragedy and lost so much more.

Quote for today:

Love is like pop rox and coke.
It makes your stomach tickle, and
sometimes hurt, but you always get better.
They never explode you.

- Jean Scott Rockenmacher

rain

All last night I woke up on and off, somewhat frustrated by my lack of restful sleep (par these days), but each time I heard the rythmic drone of rain outside my window. When I woke up this morning the rain was still there. All day it has continued to pour, and now at the end of the day it is still raining and I look forward to whatever measure of sleep I can obtain being accompanied by the steady pace of drops from the eaves and a breeze of cool fresh air.

The consistancy of the rain was comforting as I feel very little of that quality in myself at present. Certain things remain in me which entertain no doubt, while others find me speechlessly humming and hawing to myself, rapidy spinning life itineraries and juggling possibilities, or just getting lost in the jungle of cyber-space trying to find information that will somehow abate whatever my current feverish curiousity may be. In the same breath I can express my satisfaction with the status quo and my desperate desire to be ordinary while in complete contradiction, with no space audible, I will tell you that I am in every way insatiable with the endless possibilities and indiscernable paths my life can and should be taking. Though God is still unchanging and consistant in his offer for peace and relationship I can not lie and say that the God-part of me is not likewise plagued with unpredictable emotional opinions just like the rest of my life.

From inhale to exhale I feel differently about the world, about my role in it and about what decisions I want to make and those that I must. I feel lonley, I feel comfort, I feel distress, I know peace, I want adventure, I am eased by routine, I lack resolve, I am unmovable, I am ... utterly unaquainted with myself in this state of instability.

But I'm glad it rained.

I had coffee with the friend closest to my heart. I got new headlights for my car. I went to the library. I wandered around a book shop. I bought a map of Europe. I bought a book for my brother. I had coffee again. I looked a plane tickets on the internet.

The hurricane is on the inside. Outside is just the steady comfort of falling rain.

Sunset Sundays and Margarita Mondays

Update on my current employement for the summer. A subject which has caused me no little amount of brow wrinkling and prayer I am pleased to announce that I have now a fulltime job at The Raven in Woods Bay, MT. The whole Bartender/Missionary role is admittedly incongruous, yet it is at least a little amusing to see the looks on the faces of people I know from church or the Christian high school I attended when I'm shaking a martini as they walk in the door. Now I'm not going to lie and say there's nothing about his job that I don't like, but I am just very pleased that the matter is settled for now and I can start getting used to my new schedule.

I am also pleased to announce that I earned my first sunburn of the summer yesterday while I was reading out on the back deck. Oooh, and it is a tender one. Memorial Day weekend is off to a great start weather wise, and while I have still not enlisted the friendship of any boat-owning locals, I am still looking forward to enjoying the sun again tomorrow. I'd like to say that maybe I'll just wear sunscreen so as to avoid further discomfort, but it's practically unheard of with my sisters and I, especially when we've been waiting since last August to have sunshine worth laying out it in again.

Happy Summer everyone!

Chapter Closed

The wedding is over, the honeymoon well on it's way, my job is done. Bridesmaid adventure number one for 2005 complete. Congrats to Jessica and Sean Kuipers!

My friends have graduated, my ties and the season in which to keep them tied has run out. Goodbye Moscow, Goodbye Pullman. I don't suppose I'll 'see you soon' again.

In the face of all that has changed in me over the last four years I am at a loss to recount the rise and fall of the story, but after this time I feel that the chapter is officially over. My first 'other' home, my first year of 'on my own', my first apartment and a whole long list of other things I gained and lost (none the least of which included some unforgetable people). 18 months to begin, 2 1/2 years to finish. It's a place that's part of who I am, but it is no longer part of where I'm going. To my surprise I don't mourn the passing, even if there are a few things I would change.

I am realizing this year that life is full of new things all the time, yet it cannot only add, there must be endings to things before others can begin. I am sad that sometimes I look back and realize I have completely forgotten how some things used to be in light of their current status, but I'm determined to be without regrets, so I will try to remember and to learn.

Old but appropriate song for the moment:
"Closing time, one more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer......Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here. So gather all your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you've found a friend....Closing time, every new beginning is just some other beginning's end"
- Semisonic -

This is the Flathead Valley where I live.I just discovered Google Satellite Imaging. It's so sweet! Isn't Montana beautiful?

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So Long Gone

I have been so long gone, and the entirety of the reason still escapes me. I've been in some sort of "slump" or "phase" for the last three weeks....but I think that's changing now. Since being home from Denver the thought of the effort to be social and make plans with people has been exhausting and unappealing. I loved being there and the people I got to spend time with all mean a lot to me - it was more depressing than I expected to come home and not have them here. It's not that I don't care about my friends in Montana or anything like that, I think after the week there I've just been feeling emotionally tired. And for someone who until recently had only rare emotional moments, it's possible that I've just been plain worn out. Who knew it could take this long to recover? Seriously there have been changes in me over the last 6 months that I'm still learning the repercussions of.

Example: About two months ago I was trying to help my older sister with a project that was really frustrating her. As it became increasingly more obvious that this project, needing to get done that evening, would have to wait, my trying to help wasn't really helping the situation at all. It ended up that she snapped at me and told me that it would be better if just wasn't there. I agreed and went to my car. Here's the part that surprised me though; my feelings were so hurt that she didn't want my help and that she'd been mean. I can't even remember before that being upset over hurt feelings. I've had my heart kindof stepped on before but in a completely different context. Before I drove off she came to my window and apologized, but I was holding back tears the whole way home. Bewildered by my own reaction; that's all I can say I was thinking. I remember being surprised that I 'had feeling to BE hurt'.

That's just an example of how this girl I'm turning into is so very different from the girl I've spent so long being. Often I think of some of my friends who have known me for a long time now and I am so surprised that my idiocy didn't scare them away. I guess that's real friendship. That is something I need to remind myself that I have. It's really hard when the people that are the closest to my heart either live far away or are impossible to get ahold of - or both. Part of this "phase" I have been in has been seeming to feel unimportant to people who are important to me. I hate it. It's depressing and it makes me feel rejected. It's not true, I know that, but I've been haing trouble believing it. God has, in turn, been faithful to remind me of the people who care about me. In the last week I've been able to have real, meaningful conversations with two of my closest girl friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Talking on the phone isn't my favorite thing only because conversation usually ends up staying on the shallow end of pool, and good friendship lives at the other end. Like I said, being able to reconnect with these two girls has blessed my heart incredibly and it's helped get my thinking back on track too. I hate to blame hormones on my moods, but it would by lying to say that they haven't contributed to the weirdness a little bit too.

In all of that I have tried a few times to post and not known just what to relate. I wanted to sum it up somehow and it just wouldn't come together in my head. This hasn't been a summary in the sense that it's short, but it does shed a little light on the 'emotional' (and subsequently somewhat new for me to express) side of my life over the past few weeks of blogger silence. I have of course stayed very busy in the meantime; working, taking care of my brothers while my parents are out of town, painting my brother's room, and trying to track down information on the school I want to go to in September. If my lack of social enthusiasm gave the impression that I've been sitting on the couch for the last three weeks moping, that is not the case. For now I sleep, tomorrow another busy day.

to my lifeless blog

May 7th. It's been almost two weeks since I last posted. If somehow I had a plan for fitting the mass of my thoughts in a post short enough to read in a sitting I would have probably written earlier.
Since returning from Denver I have found my enthusiasm for social activity to be quite cool, if in fact it is not non-existant. Neutral at best. I am not entirely sure of the reason for lack of regard for interaction, I just..... don't feel the need.

home safely, heart a little heavy - it's finally spring

Back in Montana. Missing some people. Thinking about stuff.
Glad the trees are finally budding.
Look forward to my future. I wish I didn't care so much about details.
Did I hate the game so much I started playing it? Nobody answers.

(left align, thanks to Johnny)

Line Dancing

So far it has been a memorable vacation here in Denver, lots of good times hanging with people. But by far the MOST memorable event so far would be tonight, when a group of us traveled south to Trail Dust, a hometown family restaurant, and had ourselves a linedancing party. I don't know a lot about linedancing, but I've danced to a little country music in my day and this evening was no exception. I recalled with very little detail and fond feelings the old days of 4-H fundraisers and country music dances. I'd like to give props to the boys that went for actually getting into it and dancing!

Arrived

Here I am, surprised to feel 'at home'. It's not home yet, but it feels normal to be here again. I walked for over an hour getting lost in the surrounding neighborhood and smelling the trees that are all blooming. I know this sounds sappy but every year when I smell grass and flowers for the first time I feel like the previous summer was so long ago I'd forgotten the sense completely. So I sat on the swings in a park I've never been to before and enjoyed the sunshine. To my further delight a thunder storm came up behind me at the end of my walk and like usual I can't help but laugh out loud a little bit whenever I head thunder. I thinks it's what God sounds like. Why is it so much easier to feel/hear God in certain places?

it's way past my bedtime

Quote for the day by Amber Scott: copyright protected (she said I had to put that)

Kissing is a two-way treat!

Busy

Usually life in Montana has been marked by unemployment, boredom and only the occasional social function. The Moving Home '05 episode has, however, been quite different. And BLESS GOD for the change of pace. Shortly after getting back to Montana I got a bi-weekly job cleaning a house, then I got work through the temp agency, then I got scheduled in for another house, and now I spend around 25-30 hours a week cleaning at the Barn. Poof! The Julie's unemployment problem in Montana has been rededied in record time! Aside from that, my last run of 12 months at home finally paid off socially because this time I have friends to come home to. After high school there was about one (i love you amber!) person I would call during the times when I lived here. This time I leached off by brother's social circle to get back in the swing of things (which worked quite fairly since I introduced him to all these people when he moved home last year) and now my cell phone actually rings from time to time.
All this to say it has been a couple of weeks - and that is a very good thing. I miss my friends around the world and the country, but I am blessed by the Lord's goodness to me in making this season at home a happy one. There is a good chance this will be the last significant amount of time I will be spending here in Montana and that makes it even more important that I enjoy it to the fullest. I'm just hoping that the working all the time won't eventually overwhelm me. Looking forward to a vacation always makes it easier to work a lot and not think about it, but after this coming week in Denver (yea!) and a few days in Idaho in May I will be all work for pretty much the rest of the summer.
Right, my last long season in Montana because? I've been praying about it a lot over the last two months and I think that God has given me the green light for going into missions fulltime! I don't know for how many years right now, I'll just take it one at a time, but it's a minimum one year commitment to start just about anywhere. Still sorting out the details and praying for more confirmation, but I am really just sitting back in awe of how much God has changed my heart in the last two years. While I was sharing at Bible study a few weeks ago it occured to me that "God made a missionary out of me, with out my even knowing it." There is such an incredible need in this world for the love of God, I can hardly wait to spend all my time working towards making it available to people who haven't even heard.
Prayer for me, if you want to, can be in the area of raising finances. It's a really difficult, humbling and faith building process to ask people to support the vision God has given you with their finances. Pray that I can communicate the heart of God toward missions to people who haven't caught the vision yet, and also that I will be dilgent and brave in contacting the people God has told me to. Ugh, it's scary...but the great thing is that God has already changed my heart toward this so much and given me peace for the process.
There it is, the promised post about what's REALLY going on in my life these days. It may have come out a little random, but hopefully we'll all gain clarity as the season moves on. I'm going to Denver in two days, so I should have some funny stories to post soon enough.

ABCDid I ever tell you how I feel about.....

It has been a while since I've posted. It's not the things haven't happened, I've been quite busy in fact. I just....haven't had the urge to write anything clever, or deep, so I have avoided the mundane. This quiz however is a little clever (my sources), and will hopefully bring me out of this blogging slump. I have been composing a novel in my head at work, though none of it is written down yet maybe I will post the first chapter when it comes together. Yes, I will post soon about what's ACTUALLY been going on in my life....soon. It's still setting in.

A: Age 20
B: Best friend- Amber
C: Crush- Ehhh....I'm still deciding. Not Orlando Bloom!
D: Dad's Name- Dave.
E: Easiest person to talk to- Jae.
F: Fetishes- Stars and sunsets...jackets and blankets
G: Gummy bears or gummy worms- Da Bears!
H: Hometown- Bigfork, MT (one word, bigfork)
I: Ice cream flavor- Cookies and Cream
J: Jam or Jelly- JAM
K: Kids- 4
L: Longest car ride ever- 3 days, across northeastern Australia. Flat and empty- they call it "outback" for a reason.
M: Mood- My feet are cold, my hair is straight and I'm ready for Wednesday night chocolate chip cookies.
N: Number of siblings- 5 (2 sisters, 3 brothers)
O: One wish- To travel all over the world with two or three of my closest friends..
P: Phobia- Not being important to people who are important to me. (more of just a fear than a phobia)
Q: Quote- "I know some things..." - Rob Weichelt
R: Reason to smile- I love buying plane tickets, and I have one right now that's taking me somewhere in 6 days!
S: Song you last sang- I've had music playing all day, so now one song in particular. (That's boring, I think I sang out loud at work today to a Caedmon's Call song, or maybe it was Enter the Worship Circle.)
T: Time you wake up- 7:06 currently (+ 1 or2 4 minute snoozes)
U: Unknown fact(s) about me- I don't hate country music. I'm not good at talking on the phone.
V: Vegetable- Broccoli
W: Worst habit- Being distracted by looking for split ends when people are praying
X: X-rays you've had- Just my teeth
Z: Zodiac sign- Virgo

For Irony's Sake - A Song

This is an ironic response to my own blonde moment. I wrote a very disappointed email to a foreign friend of mine when I discovered I couldn't read their blog because it was all in Danish. Little did I observe that there was a button on the page for translation - "for foreigners". Yeah, I didn't catch that part.
So without further translation, the only Danish I can speak. No really, I don't know the translation - but it's a friendly drinking song, so raise your glass and mumble along!

Vi skoler med voks venner
Og dem sum vi kinder
Og dem sum vi ikke kinder
Dem skoler vi for!
Skoll -- Skoll!!

The tune goes like this: Da Da Da DaDA DAda...oh, that doesn't really work

Luke - If you read this, it is my toast to friends.
Filip and Rakel - If you read this, please feel free to correct my spelling and/or provide translation

I feel like I should post. Though I'm still not convinced more than three people ever read this, I guess that's ok. My thoughts, however, cannot seem to assimilate for a common theme. So I will just make a list.
1) Cell-phones are a neccesary evil. It is so annoying to have a conversation celltocell because you can never hear things clearly. I love having 'free' (as if i dont pay enough for it each month) long distance though. But I hate it when you really want to talk to someone and a stupid bad connection makes the conversation choppy and ulitmately awkward.
2) It is both a wonderful and daunting feeling to be needed by someone. To know that your opinion and involvment in someone's life really matters to them, and that your performance therein can affect the quality of someone's life for the time that you're a part of it - it's a priviledge and a responsibility. I have probably let more people down than I know.
3) There is a whole world full of extremely hurting people and I can make a difference, but it is so much bigger than myself. I need to pray more. I do pray, but it's such a large project when you begin to realize how big the world is with so much hurt. I know God wants to help, so I need to do my part and pray. I should always pray more.
4) I am an inherantly competative person I have realized. It is not a quality I am proud of, which is ironic because competativeness is the fuel that keeps pride afloat. I am working on this.

PS - did you know that you no longer need a blogger account to post comments? I just found out today.

The Postal Service vs USPS

For the record.

USPS - I am seriously unimpressed with the amount of time three letters have taken to travel a measely two states away. I'm not even sure they're there today! I mailed them over a week ago and to my knowledge there's no sign of them. What is the .37cents paying for if not delivery?? "Pay us money and have a nice time waiting." Ugh, I wanted them to arrive Monday, geez.

vs

The Postal Service - Thanks to one of my favorite European friends I have recently aquired thier album. Very smooth, unique sounds, like the electric feel. Not the strongest lyrical content, but still, I recommend them. Good for driving and napping - just not at the same time.

do YOU think my tractor's sexy??

Today I recieved another lesson in the fine art of driving a tractor. Again I am thankful that my car is a manual ("yea for chicks who drive sticks!" - jules prz) as that eliminated at least one thing for me to get accustomed to. But seriously, girls on tractors - sexy/not sexy? Please post comment with your thoughts (if you don't know the song, laugh anyways) I am curious what the consensus is. I wish I could post a picture right now, but my camera is broken. Besides I'll wait until I'm tan again, and blonde again, and a little more buff. Then I'll get my best cut off t-shirt and some Carharts and I'll give you all a proper look at my new life in the barn-cleaning business.

Thoughts for the day:

Observation: It has been snowing all day but none of it is sticking to the ground - it's like 50% white out and there's nothing to show for it.
Immediate plans: A nap.

Future plans: Still undecided.
Time wasted today with: myspace.com - it sucks you in these friend network things.
Current wishes: high-speed internet, a phone call
TO-do List: put away my laundry, go to the bank, take a shower
Things I'm looking forward to: April 19th, chocolate chip cookies tonight, my nap
Current smell: on me- Barn, in the air- fresh brownies
Today I Miss: Australia, my little sister
Question to ponder: Does anyone read this blog????

from a fellow blogger.....too great not to share

I read this last week and decided I just had to post it where others might see. It's just funny. Enjoy! The link to the authors blog is at the bottom.

Today I would just like to give a big hello to a dear
friend of mine: John Mayer.

I would just like to notify you, Mr. Mayer, that you have
screwed us all - any musician at least.

I used to think that maybe my stupendous
ability to play the guitar would help me weasel into the heart of some beautiful maiden someday. I had heard that men who played the guitar got
the girls. Now, however, this has all changed. It has recently been brought to
my attention that, these days, not only do we men have to learn to play the
guitar ("look at me, look at all the cool jazz chords I can play"), now we have
to be able to sing with these dumb things. Also, if we happen to be playing
guitar in the presence of a women, we are promptly asked to play (and sing) one
of your stupid songs, and should we refuse this request, we are regarded as
being utterly talentless, or even worse, we are completely ignored.

Therefore, out of sheer spite, I have written a song, and it shall be
called "Love Song for No One." Mind you, this is not in your honor, nor does it
give evidence for your influence on my musical style or tastes. It is simply
that I have decided to completely ignore your existence, and thus, deny the fact
that anyone has ever written a song with the aforementioned title.

John, who?

Most Sincerely, Steve Grunewald

By the way, should a woman happen to be reading
this, I love John Mayer's music as much as you do.

Leaving on a jet, er, uh.... I guess not

The weekend was not as expected, but this time the disaster of plans was not my own. Apparently the "political instability in the region" made it unwise for my brother to take his flight from Seattle on Sunday. Unfortunatly it took all of three days just to get the right people on the phone to find out what we could do about the already purchased plane ticket. It was a little stressful, especially with my mom calling every few hours 'just to make sure he's not going to get on that plane'. Uhg, sigh, "Ok Mom, I'm sure he won't" (my noncommital response).

So both of us returned to Montana today when it was supposed to be just me. Not that I minded the company, but I know how disappointed my brother is having his plans disintegrate last minute. It was hard trying to make the responsible decision based on the information he had, the people advising him, the purpose of the trip, the flexibility, or lackthereof in the situation. My gut feeling didn't really go either way, when I would ask God I just felt "let him get on the plane if that's his decision" and so I tried not to push him one way or the other. Thankfully he had the advice of our good friend who we stayed with who has a lot of travel experience in the past few years. I hate being the one always trying to tell him things, especially when it's news he doesn't want to hear.

We did have fun otherwise though. Saturday my brother, our friend Justin and I made the short drive up to Vancouver, BC. We walked around Gas Town, which is a cute part of downtown, ate Indian food, and then drove a little ways and went to the IMAX and saw Robots. We even experienced some genuine Canadian culture. We were looking for a place to get a drink before the movie because we had an hour to kill, so we crossed the street to check out the sports bar in the complex across the street. What we found was PeeWee Hockey. Each of us seemed to be drawn in, impressed by 9 and 10 year olds who could move on the ice as easy as they might walk down the street. For about ten minutes we watched and no one said anything about leaving. Then, after being impressed and entertained for a few minutes we recommenced our original search. Sitting up in the balcony with the Mom's cheering on their kids who couldn't hear them through the glass was a very classic experience. Yay for Canada!

Mornings on the farm start early, and Easter Sunday was no exception. We got up before chores and went to a small "sunrise service" that was held in a barn up the road because of the rain. It was simple and sweet.

Due to prolonged waiting for information about the ticket we stayed in Seattle Sunday night instead of driving to Pullman as I had planned. It was fun anyways though because I got to surprise one of my roomates from Denver with a call to invite myself over. That's that great thing about YWAMers, they're all over the place and they're always good for at least a couch and some breakfast. If there's one thing we all understand it's random travel plan changes and the value of a free place to stay. Catching up with a good friend is in no way second to that, it's just a beautiful observation I had to make.

That's enough of a post for now.

Another Spring Weekend In Washington

Here I go again. For the last two years I have made at least one significant weekend trip to Washington in the Spring. Due to the blaring failure (on certain levels) that has occured previously, I didn't intend to continue the habit. However, I find myself on March 25th again getting in a car Washington-bound. Though this time I have a much more, let's say casual, approach to things. Not that I had serious plans in the past, but things still seemed to turn out seriously wrong. It's 5:45am and I'm taking my brother to Seattle to catch a flight to Kyrgystan. Do you know where that is?

Kyrgystan is in Central Asia bordering China, Kazakstan, Uzbekastan and maybe one of the other 'stan countries. Over the last three or four days the people have successfully rioted and taken over the gov't buildings in the capitol forcing the now ex-president to resign and leave the country. Is this the definition of a coup? I'm not sure what it's called, but please PRAY FOR KYRGYSTAN and for MY BROTHER LUKE. He'll be working with a Bible school there and some other people for the next 4 weeks and we're all really looking forward to him coming home safely.

So on to road trippin', cow tippin' and fun.