oh hidden door won't you stay hidden.
don't wake the sleeping child inside.
that carefree believer who wears your same smile is best left in secret to hide.
won't you cover your ears if she's singing, don't let your eyes follow her dance.
her laughter will dare you to remember, her song will remind you to chance.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Choosing favorites is....tricky
In a conversation I had recently about our "favorite music" I asked my friend "What album would you take with you to a deserted island?" to which they quickly responded; and then the conversation trailed elsewhere.
My mind, however, has remained fixated upon the idea all week because I can't seem to answer my own question in a moment, or even after a few days of pondering. In an attempt to find my "Deserted Island Album" I have opted to create a "Deserted Island Compilation"; in the hope that whichever malevolent powers that would exile a person and give them such a daunting choice would accept this compilation as a pseudo-album and would allow me these few aural comforts in my exile.
Imagining the rest of my life with a mere 15-18 songs to keep me company was a bit like looking at my toes and trying to decide which ones I would miss the least should a few need removing. Do I choose the most nostalgic (by decade? by relationship? by genre?)? Do I choose the ones with the greatest lyrics so I will be always reminded of their inspiring messages? Do I pick only those real "hits" that made each of my favorite artists' musical career?
While I can't claim that this is the perfect line up, by order or selection, I did finally chose (out of around 10,000 in my iTunes library) these 18 songs which I felt could stand the test of repetition by offering technical excellence, compelling presentation and intriguing content.
Consider this project an exercise in thankfulness to the sheer vastness of musical brilliance I have been exposed to in just the first few decades of my life. While this mix would undergo a revision or two if it was indeed to be "the last album I ever hear", I'll settle here by sharing my "first draft" and leaving it at that.
My mind, however, has remained fixated upon the idea all week because I can't seem to answer my own question in a moment, or even after a few days of pondering. In an attempt to find my "Deserted Island Album" I have opted to create a "Deserted Island Compilation"; in the hope that whichever malevolent powers that would exile a person and give them such a daunting choice would accept this compilation as a pseudo-album and would allow me these few aural comforts in my exile.
Imagining the rest of my life with a mere 15-18 songs to keep me company was a bit like looking at my toes and trying to decide which ones I would miss the least should a few need removing. Do I choose the most nostalgic (by decade? by relationship? by genre?)? Do I choose the ones with the greatest lyrics so I will be always reminded of their inspiring messages? Do I pick only those real "hits" that made each of my favorite artists' musical career?
While I can't claim that this is the perfect line up, by order or selection, I did finally chose (out of around 10,000 in my iTunes library) these 18 songs which I felt could stand the test of repetition by offering technical excellence, compelling presentation and intriguing content.
Consider this project an exercise in thankfulness to the sheer vastness of musical brilliance I have been exposed to in just the first few decades of my life. While this mix would undergo a revision or two if it was indeed to be "the last album I ever hear", I'll settle here by sharing my "first draft" and leaving it at that.
On a Deserted Island - Draft #1:
*Most of these links will take you to video/audio of these songs if you'd like to take a music trip to my deserted island; the way I would. Enjoy.
Monday, November 15, 2010
This is part of my story too...
Today begins a wave of new life into our media culture. Brought to life by the blood, sweat and tears of two VERY good friends of mine, now founders of Circle of Belief Productions and AOG Films, and created at the inspiration of a word of the Lord this couple dove into a sphere where they were completing inexperienced and have since immersed themselves in the world of modern media. With a message of hope, restoration and the love of God to speak to all generations by exposing the passion, creativity and raw humanity of the Millennial Generation and those in it who have chosen to passionately pursue a relationship with our Creator, this project has been over five years in the making and is available to the public today!
On http://www.jesusfreaksmovie.com Circle of Belief Productions released their first in a series of webisodes today on this site at the pre-cursor to the sales release of their ground-breaking documentary Jesus Freaks (The YWAM Movie) which documents a 5 month Discipleship Training School at YWAM Denver ins 2008. This film follow over 40 students as they pursue God through teaching and community life and then travel around the world to share the love they have learned about with foreign nations. All of this in the midst of a community wading through the aftermath of a devastating shooting which happened less than one month before the filming was scheduled to begin.
This film is about several things to me. On one side it is an exciting moment in the lives of my very inspirational friends, Charles and Katherine Cobb - the producers, who have become both family and heros in my life. On the other hand this is the story of my community, the ministry where I spent nearly two years full-time and the wake of my own personal tragedy. Tiffany Johnson (featured in the first webisode) was one of my very closest friends and knowing her has left a mark on my life that will never go away. Dan Griebenow, also featured in todays webisode, is another of the friends I've made during my time in Colorado that I consider to be more family than just friend. All that to say - this is personal.
Please take the time to follow this amazing story as it unfolds at www.jesusfreaksmovie.com and consider sharing this experience with your friends and family.
The story is being told and our generation is waiting to hear it. Let's see what life looks like together with this example set for us of community, grace in tragedy, giving, loving, learning, finding freedom, handling conflict, finding our true identities in Christ and more.
It's more than just a dream come true for Circle of Belief, it's a dream of God that has been born. It's a privilege to watch.
On http://www.jesusfreaksmovie.com Circle of Belief Productions released their first in a series of webisodes today on this site at the pre-cursor to the sales release of their ground-breaking documentary Jesus Freaks (The YWAM Movie) which documents a 5 month Discipleship Training School at YWAM Denver ins 2008. This film follow over 40 students as they pursue God through teaching and community life and then travel around the world to share the love they have learned about with foreign nations. All of this in the midst of a community wading through the aftermath of a devastating shooting which happened less than one month before the filming was scheduled to begin.
This film is about several things to me. On one side it is an exciting moment in the lives of my very inspirational friends, Charles and Katherine Cobb - the producers, who have become both family and heros in my life. On the other hand this is the story of my community, the ministry where I spent nearly two years full-time and the wake of my own personal tragedy. Tiffany Johnson (featured in the first webisode) was one of my very closest friends and knowing her has left a mark on my life that will never go away. Dan Griebenow, also featured in todays webisode, is another of the friends I've made during my time in Colorado that I consider to be more family than just friend. All that to say - this is personal.
Please take the time to follow this amazing story as it unfolds at www.jesusfreaksmovie.com and consider sharing this experience with your friends and family.
The story is being told and our generation is waiting to hear it. Let's see what life looks like together with this example set for us of community, grace in tragedy, giving, loving, learning, finding freedom, handling conflict, finding our true identities in Christ and more.
It's more than just a dream come true for Circle of Belief, it's a dream of God that has been born. It's a privilege to watch.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
sigh no more
"Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free..." - Mumford and Sons
And this, I must believe, is true. Every time I extend myself in affection, in energy, even in curiousity towards a heart besides me own the message from this song is the echo of my desire, the shape of my hope and the strength of my resolve.
If God is love, then let God be true and every man a liar.
And this, I must believe, is true. Every time I extend myself in affection, in energy, even in curiousity towards a heart besides me own the message from this song is the echo of my desire, the shape of my hope and the strength of my resolve.
If God is love, then let God be true and every man a liar.
Friday, October 29, 2010
"you know that I could use somebody, someone like you"
(I found this older post sitting in my drafts... Written in the midst of a rare and un-edited moment of frustration I'm sure, which is likely why I failed to post it. I was tempted to edit it now, or not to post it at all. But who am I kidding? I wouldn't have written it if I didn't mean it, and posting my honesty, however harsh, is humbling. So here's a snap shot of an honest moment, about a year ago - feels longer now.)
I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.
I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?
When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.
I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.
And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".
I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.
I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?
When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.
I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.
And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".
Monday, October 18, 2010
"I love me, I'd like you to love me too."
I just started reading "Stuff My Father Never Told Me About Relationships" by Patrick Dodson a few days ago and it has already given me a stomach full of food for thought.
For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.
I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.
As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.
It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.
I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.
My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.
Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.
For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.
I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.
As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.
It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.
I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.
My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.
Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
nearly time to go
oh how you would seduce me
with your high and crystal bright blue skies
your thick air summer nights when the horizon glows and the clouds flicker
when the city hums and I feel the still warm pavement underfoot
a mile above the sea with a sea of stars close enough to touch greeting me at a tilt of my chin
how you would seduce me
you would convince me to stay
with your inviting violence in the surprising outbreaks of thunder and rain
always intermingled with sunshine
leaving the freshness of wet pavement and warm earth
all in an intoxicating assault on my senses
alas for all your enticing I am still the ever leaving one
forgive my infidelity because I also love another
another sky, another scented breeze, another skyline
with daylight which causes twilight to last for hours
of endless streams and painted nights
of comforting grey on green in the wetness of a cool morning
and of all the shades in between when the light bends just so
oh colorado how you would seduce me
convincing me to stay
enticing me to linger in the richness of a warm and welcoming semi-night
oh how torn a heart can be with love and again love as its choice of directions
and here I am divided; breathing in deep
delighted in the timid produce of the skies
intrigued by the brilliant flashings across the now open plains
forgive me, my dishonesty would run deep if I said you were my only
but this I can promise,
I will return
and your imposing peaks,
your hard rock canyons
your dry and windswept foothills
they will be to me the most comforting arms of welcome
until then
seduce me in our remaining hours
and this memory I will take with me
colorado
I will miss you
with your high and crystal bright blue skies
your thick air summer nights when the horizon glows and the clouds flicker
when the city hums and I feel the still warm pavement underfoot
a mile above the sea with a sea of stars close enough to touch greeting me at a tilt of my chin
how you would seduce me
you would convince me to stay
with your inviting violence in the surprising outbreaks of thunder and rain
always intermingled with sunshine
leaving the freshness of wet pavement and warm earth
all in an intoxicating assault on my senses
alas for all your enticing I am still the ever leaving one
forgive my infidelity because I also love another
another sky, another scented breeze, another skyline
with daylight which causes twilight to last for hours
of endless streams and painted nights
of comforting grey on green in the wetness of a cool morning
and of all the shades in between when the light bends just so
oh colorado how you would seduce me
convincing me to stay
enticing me to linger in the richness of a warm and welcoming semi-night
oh how torn a heart can be with love and again love as its choice of directions
and here I am divided; breathing in deep
delighted in the timid produce of the skies
intrigued by the brilliant flashings across the now open plains
forgive me, my dishonesty would run deep if I said you were my only
but this I can promise,
I will return
and your imposing peaks,
your hard rock canyons
your dry and windswept foothills
they will be to me the most comforting arms of welcome
until then
seduce me in our remaining hours
and this memory I will take with me
colorado
I will miss you
Thursday, March 25, 2010
thoughts for thursday
How am I? Contemplative. Not as if I've carved out enough time in my brain or my schedule yet to be so, I am however, at the very least feeling compelled to be contemplative. The state of my mind is very much like the subtle rocking from side to side that one feels in their boat just before the wind picks up and changes direction.Whether that change be in speed or stability or merely the position of the sails and rudder a shift in the wind always brings change. This shift in my life feels the same way that the air does when the sun disappears behind the mountains back home and creates a new wind on the lake where I sail bringing with it the scent of day-warmed earth out onto the water. With that thermal always comes a change, whether it be breeze or gale, where there was before sunset an otherwise steady climate. My climate has been, if nothing else, steady for the last few months. Steadily busy, steadily challenging and satisfying to say steadily productive. But now, today, this week, now I begin to feel the shift.
It seems appropriate that the seasons are changing in my life as the weather turns from winter to spring and I love how in Colorado this change happens in the same dramatic fashion as young lovers staging a public breakup or perhaps more like a class clown getting his last few tricks in before his captive audience as he's expelled to the principles office. Ahhh, spring storms! My life changes just like the seasons I think, with nearly as much regularity and often with the same lack of participation on my behalf as a tree has with the falling and sprouting again of its leaves. Just as I find myself in a season where my heart seems open to receive love and feels warm enough to give it away without hesitation there comes a shift and the next thing I know I'm again waking up with the spring looking back on what seems to have been a cold and closed season that has passed me by without my permission or even my awareness. The bloom of my life goes to sleep under the snow-like blanket of busyness, broken-hearted withdrawal or some such love-cooling weather pattern. If there is one thing that should live in perpetual spring, summer and fall but never winter it is my heart. It is these winters that store up for me regrets and that is bitter produce to harvest.
Perhaps spending time in Colorado has effected my soul for the better by giving me the example of seasons where even the coldest days are still brilliant with sunshine and the snowiest storms are followed by the mysterious revealing of greener grasses beneath the snow than there was before the blanket fell. Hmm...I like the idea that the seasons of my soul could be a little more like that. Regardless of this predictable winter's return all I have is hope for the eventuation that perpetual summer will one day be alive in my heart. For I find that I am constantly in awe of how this constantly breaking mechanism inside my chest has been mended and crushed and reshaped and broken and mended over and over again and there have somehow been much needed improvements and priceless additions as a result of the brokenness every time. It would seem that the one doing these repairs is infinitely creative and impressive in the work that He does.
What reshaping is ahead of me next I have only to wonder over. If there has been any consistency to the theme of my breaking and remakings of the past it is that the latest version of my heart is always a little more pliable and a little less cold than the last and now I can be stretched and there is endurance within me and with it my capability to burn more fiercely in the hot seasons. I could be discouraged that after years of making what feels like the same journey I am once again discovering that there are cold, solitary places in my heart where I undoubtedly shun even the unconditional love my maker would have me know, and certainly I keep other love out as well. And yet I know how far I've come and how gentle a journey I have been allowed to take, slow as any child on unsteady feet may be, and I realize with joy that this season is less bitter and more sweet than was the one before and someday....someday I will run in the endless summer of my soul and all the cold will be gone.
Until then I will set my eyes on the coming wind and wait with more excitement than apprehension to see what remaking will be done this time around...
It seems appropriate that the seasons are changing in my life as the weather turns from winter to spring and I love how in Colorado this change happens in the same dramatic fashion as young lovers staging a public breakup or perhaps more like a class clown getting his last few tricks in before his captive audience as he's expelled to the principles office. Ahhh, spring storms! My life changes just like the seasons I think, with nearly as much regularity and often with the same lack of participation on my behalf as a tree has with the falling and sprouting again of its leaves. Just as I find myself in a season where my heart seems open to receive love and feels warm enough to give it away without hesitation there comes a shift and the next thing I know I'm again waking up with the spring looking back on what seems to have been a cold and closed season that has passed me by without my permission or even my awareness. The bloom of my life goes to sleep under the snow-like blanket of busyness, broken-hearted withdrawal or some such love-cooling weather pattern. If there is one thing that should live in perpetual spring, summer and fall but never winter it is my heart. It is these winters that store up for me regrets and that is bitter produce to harvest.
Perhaps spending time in Colorado has effected my soul for the better by giving me the example of seasons where even the coldest days are still brilliant with sunshine and the snowiest storms are followed by the mysterious revealing of greener grasses beneath the snow than there was before the blanket fell. Hmm...I like the idea that the seasons of my soul could be a little more like that. Regardless of this predictable winter's return all I have is hope for the eventuation that perpetual summer will one day be alive in my heart. For I find that I am constantly in awe of how this constantly breaking mechanism inside my chest has been mended and crushed and reshaped and broken and mended over and over again and there have somehow been much needed improvements and priceless additions as a result of the brokenness every time. It would seem that the one doing these repairs is infinitely creative and impressive in the work that He does.
What reshaping is ahead of me next I have only to wonder over. If there has been any consistency to the theme of my breaking and remakings of the past it is that the latest version of my heart is always a little more pliable and a little less cold than the last and now I can be stretched and there is endurance within me and with it my capability to burn more fiercely in the hot seasons. I could be discouraged that after years of making what feels like the same journey I am once again discovering that there are cold, solitary places in my heart where I undoubtedly shun even the unconditional love my maker would have me know, and certainly I keep other love out as well. And yet I know how far I've come and how gentle a journey I have been allowed to take, slow as any child on unsteady feet may be, and I realize with joy that this season is less bitter and more sweet than was the one before and someday....someday I will run in the endless summer of my soul and all the cold will be gone.
Until then I will set my eyes on the coming wind and wait with more excitement than apprehension to see what remaking will be done this time around...
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