the countdown returns

if you were here last summer you'll remember the countdown that always comes at the end. here's this year's...

Days until I:
say good-bye to my parents - 3

host a sweet BBQ - 4
have my last day of work - 9

leave for California - 11
move onto campus - 14
start classes at Calvery Chapel Bible College- 21
have my 21st birthday (!) - 38 (unofficial celebrations begin tonight! hehehe)
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It's still a bit surreal that I'm this summer is ending so quickly and I'll be living in southern california at bible college. I spent a lot of time thinking about the decision so it's not really last minute, but it only became official last week which makes it seem so. I'm excited to be headed somewhere with by brother for the first time. The last three years have tended to place us in extreme opposites of location. It will be such a blessing not to have to say goodbye to him along with everyone else. I can hardly believe my baby sister is starting college at University of Montana at the end of this month as well. She pretty much grew up behind my back. I wish I knew her better.

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For some reason the words "I miss you" have always been just as meaningful to me as "I love you". It's like when someone says " I miss you" it implies that they love you even when you're not around. That to me is so special. I'm sure plenty of people don't think of it the same way, but I've always been hesitant to say it unless i wanted someone to know just how much I cared.

For as many people as have come and gone in my life I seem to have made a habit of letting go. It's not that I want to all the time, but that I know how to and it comes kindof naturally when that seems to be the only thing I can do. It's part of my self-defense mindset which I know is not entirely that great, but I've never wanted to miss someone more than they miss me. So if they don't seem to I respond accordingly, if I can.

Denial. That has a lot to do with it. If I don't talk about you or think about you, you're not part of where I'm at, so there's no hole. I'll laugh at a memory and then talk about something else. I'll keep the file with your pictures closed. I won't listen to the voice mail I saved. I won't miss you, because it hurts too much like love. And you're too far away. All of you. You're all so far away. I want to miss you, but I almost don't remember how. I'm sorry.