Thursday, November 23, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
you know i wish that "i'm sorry" really did make things all better.
i'd like more than anything for that simple phrase to be all that was neccesary to make me feel less...less anything.
then again i am not a stranger to being numb, it's been my safety for years.
but i am no longer safe, and i feel, and "sorry" doesn't change that.
no matter what i'd like.
it helps a little bit i guess.
like a bandaid to stop the bleeding.
but the feeling is still there.
time is what helps, explainations sometimes bring relief but anything besides a quick fix, even for hearts, seems like overdramatizing life and it bothers me.
i bother myself when i feel too much.
i'm unaccustomed to the process.
i've never allowed it before and this situation is hardly an exception.
except that now i'm not only fighting the emotions of life, but also the battle against my own instinct to shut it all of and appear "just fine".
now for a response.
what?
i have none.
i'll heal.
i'll decide to be fine.
thanks for being sorry???
do i say i forgive you now?
is that what you wanted?
i'd like more than anything for that simple phrase to be all that was neccesary to make me feel less...less anything.
then again i am not a stranger to being numb, it's been my safety for years.
but i am no longer safe, and i feel, and "sorry" doesn't change that.
no matter what i'd like.
it helps a little bit i guess.
like a bandaid to stop the bleeding.
but the feeling is still there.
time is what helps, explainations sometimes bring relief but anything besides a quick fix, even for hearts, seems like overdramatizing life and it bothers me.
i bother myself when i feel too much.
i'm unaccustomed to the process.
i've never allowed it before and this situation is hardly an exception.
except that now i'm not only fighting the emotions of life, but also the battle against my own instinct to shut it all of and appear "just fine".
now for a response.
what?
i have none.
i'll heal.
i'll decide to be fine.
thanks for being sorry???
do i say i forgive you now?
is that what you wanted?
Thursday, May 11, 2006
refrigerator blog
I come here sometimes. To my blog space. I click the link. I log in. I look at the page.
and then a few minutes later when I realize I don't have the inspiration to say anything worthwhile. Then the page is closed and I'm back to mindless myspace or endless pages of eastern European activities, bus routes, accommodations or pages not translated whose contents remain a mystery.
you finish your favorite TV program, you wake up from a nap, you come home from work.
there you stand, fridge door open. No appetite. No food inside worth eating. Everything you see would take too much work to prepare.
that's how my relationship has been with this blog for the last few months. Like that of a person and their refrigerator. I come, I look, I may even have a conversation with someone while I hold the door open. But I never have anything to eat.
well. I'm hoping that the nonsense of useless habit and unrewarding 'dieting' from prose is over.
that's my hope anyways. Consider that my pending adventure into the lost regions of Europe is like those first few meals after you go shopping, where the fridge is brimming with delightful low prep food and the binge eating continues at full strength.
so here's an attempt to jumpstart my return to prose, poetry and the intermediate updates on my soon to be eventful summer.
door shuts. Return to life.
and then a few minutes later when I realize I don't have the inspiration to say anything worthwhile. Then the page is closed and I'm back to mindless myspace or endless pages of eastern European activities, bus routes, accommodations or pages not translated whose contents remain a mystery.
you finish your favorite TV program, you wake up from a nap, you come home from work.
there you stand, fridge door open. No appetite. No food inside worth eating. Everything you see would take too much work to prepare.
that's how my relationship has been with this blog for the last few months. Like that of a person and their refrigerator. I come, I look, I may even have a conversation with someone while I hold the door open. But I never have anything to eat.
well. I'm hoping that the nonsense of useless habit and unrewarding 'dieting' from prose is over.
that's my hope anyways. Consider that my pending adventure into the lost regions of Europe is like those first few meals after you go shopping, where the fridge is brimming with delightful low prep food and the binge eating continues at full strength.
so here's an attempt to jumpstart my return to prose, poetry and the intermediate updates on my soon to be eventful summer.
door shuts. Return to life.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
you're right there
just when i'm sure you won't, you call
just when i'm sure you're not right for me, i'm wrong
just when i'm sure i'm over you, i can't get you out of my head
just when i'm sure you don't want me......am i sure?
there's no reason that we should still talk, but we do
there's no reason for me to speak my mind, but i do
there's no reason that you should make me laugh so freely - i can't help myself
you're not around but you're never gone
you don't really know me, but you understand
my heart gets lighter when you're inside....
i have to go
just when i'm sure you're not right for me, i'm wrong
just when i'm sure i'm over you, i can't get you out of my head
just when i'm sure you don't want me......am i sure?
there's no reason that we should still talk, but we do
there's no reason for me to speak my mind, but i do
there's no reason that you should make me laugh so freely - i can't help myself
you're not around but you're never gone
you don't really know me, but you understand
my heart gets lighter when you're inside....
i have to go
Thursday, January 19, 2006
something about...
....the outside of a house that can't possibly tell you what it looks like on the inside. in and out of about a billion houses (blatant exaggeration) and apartments tuesday and wednesday taught me that.
...my little sister that is so much like me that it makes it harder for us to be close. and yet so many things about us that are so different. yet i LOVE her no matter what, even if she's a copycat and sounds just like me on the phone or when laughing loudly in public. i can't imagine life without my sisters.
...the hours between 1 and 4 am makes conversation with people i hardly know worth my time no matter how tired i am.
... the love of God that makes me warm inside despite my stress or my worries.
...growing up makes me nervous and excited at the same time. mystery of the unknown and the natural grieving process when things change, even those things which are inevitably inclined to do so. it's a little sad and a little exciting.
...my little sister that is so much like me that it makes it harder for us to be close. and yet so many things about us that are so different. yet i LOVE her no matter what, even if she's a copycat and sounds just like me on the phone or when laughing loudly in public. i can't imagine life without my sisters.
...the hours between 1 and 4 am makes conversation with people i hardly know worth my time no matter how tired i am.
... the love of God that makes me warm inside despite my stress or my worries.
...growing up makes me nervous and excited at the same time. mystery of the unknown and the natural grieving process when things change, even those things which are inevitably inclined to do so. it's a little sad and a little exciting.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
the end of last year, and the beginning of this one
.jpg)
.jpg)
bw.jpg)
i'm not exactly sure what i can say about new years eve 2005..... it was memorable, even the parts we can't clearly remember.
to julia and amber. so far you two are the best thing in 2006 and i can't imagine my opinion on that matter changing....ever ever ever!
three things:
1) yeah, aviators are cool
2) eat dinner first
3) jagermiester - "not even once"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)