Christmas Day '05

christmas day, chocolate, my sister's boyfriend, this is how the day began

my cutie in-love parents....awwwwww

...and then things got punk-wild

mmmmm. holidays with the family.

i love it! but it's not for the faint of heart or the easily frightened. we're....well, we're family!

crazy holidays - evening # 1 - the great northern - whitefish, MT

well well well.
not like any holiday season I've ever known before. i'm pre-dating my posts to better portray the progression of interesting and otherwise entertaining evenings that have filled that past few weeks.
let me just say that I love my new canon a610 and i can now again blog through the lense of a camera which is truly the best expression of a moment in most cases.
so here's the pre-christmas festivities of december 23rd in whitefish. I saw so many people that night I haven't talked to in years, and we danced and we danced and we danced!!!!!
who would've thought it?

the three musketeers and an honorary partying member!

yeah, she really is...

you'll never guess which one had been drinking...

uhm , i think they're trying to look tough

to really breathe

tonight, amidst the freezing rain and the twinkle of distant christmas lights, i miss the ocean. this year is quite possibly the most beautiful christmas of any i've known. white, crisp, cozy, all a-sparkle with starlight, christmas lights and candles burning. it does, however seem a better host to a similarly lighthearted spirit and a calmness of heart which i have not lately possesed. while words are to me the most industrious of tools for navigating through the mazes and traps of life, i am too often lately bereft of my defenses. wordless, if you can believe it. and so i miss the ocean.

it demands no words, no explanations. it requires no commitment to one opinion or another and yet provides unwavering company and given bare feet and time to stroll even a certain sense of affection. to spend an hour staring into it's nothing, never seeing the same thing twice is to feel at once available to the vaste expanse of its open water and protected by the unchanging presense of wave, upon wave, upon wave....
everything about a cold, white christmas feels like home to me. each small tradition and article of warm clothing knits a piece of my heart and my past into who I am now. but tonight, i am strangely restless and i feel longing press against the barrier that has stolen my words.

i miss the ocean, and the evergreen goodness of wide, green, rain-loving leaves. the indistinct murmer of birds who have never been silenced by winter.
oh and i miss the smell of warm, wet air. to breath that in is like tasting morning and breathing sunshine.

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again
The Breaking of the Fellowship, LOTR Soundtrack

no one to blame

the situation is frighteningly familiar in feeling, wracked with frustrations and very short on solutions. i have never had less of a clue about how to solve a problem such as this one. trying not to care and be ok isn't working, and can't think of one thing i can do to make this easier. the whole mess caught me totally by surprise, and contrary to normal procedure my "get over it " button seems to be broken.
i have no control whatsoever, over anything. even my tears defy the walls i keep them behind.
damn mascera altogether.

thank you mr. bedingfield

"is it fair to write a song to a woman
is it ok to try and win her heart
is it love to bring her sonnets in the morning time
to express the first few longings when they start...

but if i wrap my words around you
wrap my words around you
if i wrap my words around you would you stay
would you stay...

would you stay, would it play
with your heart..."

polite

it's easy to be thoughtful when someone is already on your mind. it's easy to prefer someone's preference when you already prefer them over everyone else. sometimes it's love, sometime's you're just being polite.

think about what it isn't.

christmas lights

something comes along and it feels like love.
but what it is really????