to really breathe

tonight, amidst the freezing rain and the twinkle of distant christmas lights, i miss the ocean. this year is quite possibly the most beautiful christmas of any i've known. white, crisp, cozy, all a-sparkle with starlight, christmas lights and candles burning. it does, however seem a better host to a similarly lighthearted spirit and a calmness of heart which i have not lately possesed. while words are to me the most industrious of tools for navigating through the mazes and traps of life, i am too often lately bereft of my defenses. wordless, if you can believe it. and so i miss the ocean.

it demands no words, no explanations. it requires no commitment to one opinion or another and yet provides unwavering company and given bare feet and time to stroll even a certain sense of affection. to spend an hour staring into it's nothing, never seeing the same thing twice is to feel at once available to the vaste expanse of its open water and protected by the unchanging presense of wave, upon wave, upon wave....
everything about a cold, white christmas feels like home to me. each small tradition and article of warm clothing knits a piece of my heart and my past into who I am now. but tonight, i am strangely restless and i feel longing press against the barrier that has stolen my words.

i miss the ocean, and the evergreen goodness of wide, green, rain-loving leaves. the indistinct murmer of birds who have never been silenced by winter.
oh and i miss the smell of warm, wet air. to breath that in is like tasting morning and breathing sunshine.

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again
The Breaking of the Fellowship, LOTR Soundtrack