if you called me i'd want to be honest. but i don't know how much you want to hear. would i lie? when you ask me how i'm doing will i say 'good' and talk about the weather? or will i tell you about how i feel like the sand in an hourglass, just passing through, accomplishing nothing, changing nothing, until i get turned upside down again? for some reason i can't think of anything but being absolutly honest with you. how will you take it?
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
deliberately
uh, spell check that me would you please?
It is with full intention I have not given any shall we say concrete information about my life recently, beyond location and age which are not at the moment prone to chance. Well, i take that back on location, that's been known to change quite without warning as well. So let's go with what we know about me for sure. I'm 21 years old now. Big deal.
I feel like I led everyone on about the whole pub crawl idea. See, it was a great idea, but in reality going to the same two bars I always go to, and in the exact same order, doesn't suffice for birthday celebration on any great level. We had dinner, we went to the Raven, I saw the cute boy and the band play, I danced a little. Highlight: My sister punched me in the nose while we were dancing and peed her pants a little because she laughed so hard. I didn't really know what was going on at the time. I was concentrating on the throbbing of my nose and keeping my feet and boobs in thier respective shoes and shirt while my brother continued to spin me ruthlessly into other unsuspecting dancers. But the story about the peeing is what will be remembered no doubt. My sister was the driver and she got impatient and wanted to leave after not very long. I can understand though, it's never comfortable walking around in wet pants (just kidding!). Thus we ended up at the Garden Bar. Let me just say that when summer ends it's really over. I don't want to go out again in Bigfork for any reason other than a holiday until at least June. There's just no party left in it. With the absense of the cute guitar player and the continued addition of shots to my pizza-full stomach I was tired by 11:30 and ready to go home. Highlight: at 11:59 my buddy Simon (!!!!) called to wish me a happy birthday. The second of two friends who called to do so that day. Basically because of that the night ended on a good note, though he was disappointed when I told him I wasn't drunk and ordered me to immediatly go back into the bar, become so, and then call him back. It's just not right to take shots by yourself though. I called or texted a bunch of my Raven friends that night because Bigfork was boring and empty without their familiar drunkeness.
In other news..... my odometer looked like this (300,000) when I pulled out of my driveway this morning. I tried to take a picture but my camera is still retarded.
It is with full intention I have not given any shall we say concrete information about my life recently, beyond location and age which are not at the moment prone to chance. Well, i take that back on location, that's been known to change quite without warning as well. So let's go with what we know about me for sure. I'm 21 years old now. Big deal.
I feel like I led everyone on about the whole pub crawl idea. See, it was a great idea, but in reality going to the same two bars I always go to, and in the exact same order, doesn't suffice for birthday celebration on any great level. We had dinner, we went to the Raven, I saw the cute boy and the band play, I danced a little. Highlight: My sister punched me in the nose while we were dancing and peed her pants a little because she laughed so hard. I didn't really know what was going on at the time. I was concentrating on the throbbing of my nose and keeping my feet and boobs in thier respective shoes and shirt while my brother continued to spin me ruthlessly into other unsuspecting dancers. But the story about the peeing is what will be remembered no doubt. My sister was the driver and she got impatient and wanted to leave after not very long. I can understand though, it's never comfortable walking around in wet pants (just kidding!). Thus we ended up at the Garden Bar. Let me just say that when summer ends it's really over. I don't want to go out again in Bigfork for any reason other than a holiday until at least June. There's just no party left in it. With the absense of the cute guitar player and the continued addition of shots to my pizza-full stomach I was tired by 11:30 and ready to go home. Highlight: at 11:59 my buddy Simon (!!!!) called to wish me a happy birthday. The second of two friends who called to do so that day. Basically because of that the night ended on a good note, though he was disappointed when I told him I wasn't drunk and ordered me to immediatly go back into the bar, become so, and then call him back. It's just not right to take shots by yourself though. I called or texted a bunch of my Raven friends that night because Bigfork was boring and empty without their familiar drunkeness.
In other news..... my odometer looked like this (300,000) when I pulled out of my driveway this morning. I tried to take a picture but my camera is still retarded.
Today I am puppy-sitting for a friend. My companion is a 7 week old blue heeler/australia shepherd cross. His name is Mel. He's deaf. I like to call him Special Ed. Don't tell.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
7hrs and some minutes till....
I'm excited. My new favorite fun-band is playing at The Raven tomorrow night. And tomorrow is my 21st birthday. They're called Supro and they live in California, which I no longer do, and I'm happy because I didn't think I'd get to hear them play again. Now I do, and it'll be my birthday. And I had a little crush on the lead singer. But so does everybody so it's no big deal. It is a big deal however that I am excited, because up until this new information surfaced I was having trouble getting excited at all about turning 21 here in Montana, which was completly unplanned.
Apparently I have also given all care for grammar to the wind in light of my birthday and this post is like one big run-on fragment somethingorother. I'm still bummed that so many of my friends live too far away to celebrate with me. Amber, Emily and I will have to brave the pub crawl on our own this time. Thanks in advance to the sister's-boyfriend Josh for making safe driving possible this weekend. Wish you all could be here, whoever you are that read this. A party is always better with more people.
This is a dumb post. You'd think reading it that i'd already started the party, sadly that's not true.
Apparently I have also given all care for grammar to the wind in light of my birthday and this post is like one big run-on fragment somethingorother. I'm still bummed that so many of my friends live too far away to celebrate with me. Amber, Emily and I will have to brave the pub crawl on our own this time. Thanks in advance to the sister's-boyfriend Josh for making safe driving possible this weekend. Wish you all could be here, whoever you are that read this. A party is always better with more people.
This is a dumb post. You'd think reading it that i'd already started the party, sadly that's not true.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
delinquent
i realize that in my little welcome blurb to my right here i mention that this blog is supposed to be both written and photographed moments in my life. about november of last year my canon powershot A70 felt that after nearly three months of faithful service it's level of cooperation and reliability could drop from a 100% to about a 3. That's about a three percent. Needless to say that's almost low enough to exclude any possibility of working when needed. It did however deign to function on one or two occasions in the past few weeks and thus a photgraphic montage of no specific theme or purpose is before you today. Just a few snapshots of myself or my recent surroundingss. With my approaching birthday the possesion of my idiot camera may yet be remedied thanks to the heightened significance of my 21st year beginning. that heightened significance meaning i may be able to combine the next 11 years worth of christmas and birthdays and split the cost on a camera that's not broken. we'll see. for now. i hope you like the pictures. I was going to say enjy the vacation from words with pictures as a replacement, but as it turns out here are a lot of words to go along with them.
Happy Autumn!
Happy Autumn!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
motional: both having movement and feeling emotions, sometimes simulataneously
i made up a new word. motional. it's my word for the week. or maybe for the year.
it's the word for when life changes right underneath your feet. when you feel fine, but if you try to explain it you might cry. when you've packed over half of what you own and moved it and you're still not sure if you should unpack when you arrive. it's when home becomes the most ambiguous word. it's second guessing and feeling humbled and asking lots of questions. sometimes it's because you feel like there couldn't possibly be more good-byes in your life if you planned them. most of the time you feel silly thinking about it or immature or something.
there's more to it, but that's all for now.
ever felt motional???
it's the word for when life changes right underneath your feet. when you feel fine, but if you try to explain it you might cry. when you've packed over half of what you own and moved it and you're still not sure if you should unpack when you arrive. it's when home becomes the most ambiguous word. it's second guessing and feeling humbled and asking lots of questions. sometimes it's because you feel like there couldn't possibly be more good-byes in your life if you planned them. most of the time you feel silly thinking about it or immature or something.
there's more to it, but that's all for now.
ever felt motional???
Monday, September 05, 2005
cuz momma, momma i commin' home....
"That John Denver's full of s%^&! I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little more rocky!" - Dumb and Dumber
Tomorrow I leave for Montana. This has been a lesson in...something. A lot of things actually. I'll only be home for a little while
Being here has spun me. I came ready to put my heart into a new time and place and when I got here I couldn't get my footing. Then it seemed like the instant I felt my heart turn and I saw the path that was leading me away, something got beneath my skin and now I am torn. My course doesn't change now, it just hurts when something hangs on as I walk away. I suppose I brought it on myself, but it makes me want to run. I spent the last two nights trying to walk it off, around the lake by myself over and over and....I guess it'll just take time and trying to forget like all the other times. One quick moment and I wasn't free, that's all it took.
There's nothing like rejection to help you close a door.
Being here has spun me. I came ready to put my heart into a new time and place and when I got here I couldn't get my footing. Then it seemed like the instant I felt my heart turn and I saw the path that was leading me away, something got beneath my skin and now I am torn. My course doesn't change now, it just hurts when something hangs on as I walk away. I suppose I brought it on myself, but it makes me want to run. I spent the last two nights trying to walk it off, around the lake by myself over and over and....I guess it'll just take time and trying to forget like all the other times. One quick moment and I wasn't free, that's all it took.
There's nothing like rejection to help you close a door.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
"if dreams are like movies, then memories are pictures of ghosts"
God i'm lonley tonight.
for a few hours i felt the opposite of lonely. wanted.
and then the moment passed and it left me sore.
like a wound that's pain has dulled whose bandage is removed.
fresh blood flows.
i suppose it's part healing process part agrivation.
the pain brings shadows of my past pushing and shoving past each other to the screen my memory plays in my mind.
when did i become so afraid of being alone?
so strong, so independant, without need....
that girl is gone.
walk away girl.
don't let it feel you girl.
pretend you want it this way.
say something sarcastic, you'll feel better.
in a moment i'll erase the memory of wanted and lonley will just feel like normal, or it won't feel but it will be normal.
however for this moment, because today was a heavy blow, i'll take a pause to wash my pain in sighs.
for a few hours i felt the opposite of lonely. wanted.
and then the moment passed and it left me sore.
like a wound that's pain has dulled whose bandage is removed.
fresh blood flows.
i suppose it's part healing process part agrivation.
the pain brings shadows of my past pushing and shoving past each other to the screen my memory plays in my mind.
when did i become so afraid of being alone?
so strong, so independant, without need....
that girl is gone.
walk away girl.
don't let it feel you girl.
pretend you want it this way.
say something sarcastic, you'll feel better.
in a moment i'll erase the memory of wanted and lonley will just feel like normal, or it won't feel but it will be normal.
however for this moment, because today was a heavy blow, i'll take a pause to wash my pain in sighs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)