"Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free..." - Mumford and Sons
And this, I must believe, is true. Every time I extend myself in affection, in energy, even in curiousity towards a heart besides me own the message from this song is the echo of my desire, the shape of my hope and the strength of my resolve.
If God is love, then let God be true and every man a liar.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
"you know that I could use somebody, someone like you"
(I found this older post sitting in my drafts... Written in the midst of a rare and un-edited moment of frustration I'm sure, which is likely why I failed to post it. I was tempted to edit it now, or not to post it at all. But who am I kidding? I wouldn't have written it if I didn't mean it, and posting my honesty, however harsh, is humbling. So here's a snap shot of an honest moment, about a year ago - feels longer now.)
I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.
I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?
When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.
I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.
And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".
I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.
I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?
When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.
I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.
And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".
Monday, October 18, 2010
"I love me, I'd like you to love me too."
I just started reading "Stuff My Father Never Told Me About Relationships" by Patrick Dodson a few days ago and it has already given me a stomach full of food for thought.
For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.
I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.
As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.
It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.
I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.
My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.
Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.
For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.
I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.
As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.
It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.
I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.
My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.
Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.
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