Update on my current employement for the summer. A subject which has caused me no little amount of brow wrinkling and prayer I am pleased to announce that I have now a fulltime job at The Raven in Woods Bay, MT. The whole Bartender/Missionary role is admittedly incongruous, yet it is at least a little amusing to see the looks on the faces of people I know from church or the Christian high school I attended when I'm shaking a martini as they walk in the door. Now I'm not going to lie and say there's nothing about his job that I don't like, but I am just very pleased that the matter is settled for now and I can start getting used to my new schedule.
I am also pleased to announce that I earned my first sunburn of the summer yesterday while I was reading out on the back deck. Oooh, and it is a tender one. Memorial Day weekend is off to a great start weather wise, and while I have still not enlisted the friendship of any boat-owning locals, I am still looking forward to enjoying the sun again tomorrow. I'd like to say that maybe I'll just wear sunscreen so as to avoid further discomfort, but it's practically unheard of with my sisters and I, especially when we've been waiting since last August to have sunshine worth laying out it in again.
Happy Summer everyone!
Friday, May 27, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Chapter Closed
The wedding is over, the honeymoon well on it's way, my job is done. Bridesmaid adventure number one for 2005 complete. Congrats to Jessica and Sean Kuipers!
My friends have graduated, my ties and the season in which to keep them tied has run out. Goodbye Moscow, Goodbye Pullman. I don't suppose I'll 'see you soon' again.
In the face of all that has changed in me over the last four years I am at a loss to recount the rise and fall of the story, but after this time I feel that the chapter is officially over. My first 'other' home, my first year of 'on my own', my first apartment and a whole long list of other things I gained and lost (none the least of which included some unforgetable people). 18 months to begin, 2 1/2 years to finish. It's a place that's part of who I am, but it is no longer part of where I'm going. To my surprise I don't mourn the passing, even if there are a few things I would change.
I am realizing this year that life is full of new things all the time, yet it cannot only add, there must be endings to things before others can begin. I am sad that sometimes I look back and realize I have completely forgotten how some things used to be in light of their current status, but I'm determined to be without regrets, so I will try to remember and to learn.
Old but appropriate song for the moment:
"Closing time, one more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer......Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here. So gather all your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you've found a friend....Closing time, every new beginning is just some other beginning's end"
- Semisonic -
My friends have graduated, my ties and the season in which to keep them tied has run out. Goodbye Moscow, Goodbye Pullman. I don't suppose I'll 'see you soon' again.
In the face of all that has changed in me over the last four years I am at a loss to recount the rise and fall of the story, but after this time I feel that the chapter is officially over. My first 'other' home, my first year of 'on my own', my first apartment and a whole long list of other things I gained and lost (none the least of which included some unforgetable people). 18 months to begin, 2 1/2 years to finish. It's a place that's part of who I am, but it is no longer part of where I'm going. To my surprise I don't mourn the passing, even if there are a few things I would change.
I am realizing this year that life is full of new things all the time, yet it cannot only add, there must be endings to things before others can begin. I am sad that sometimes I look back and realize I have completely forgotten how some things used to be in light of their current status, but I'm determined to be without regrets, so I will try to remember and to learn.
Old but appropriate song for the moment:
"Closing time, one more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer......Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here. So gather all your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you've found a friend....Closing time, every new beginning is just some other beginning's end"
- Semisonic -
Friday, May 20, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
So Long Gone
I have been so long gone, and the entirety of the reason still escapes me. I've been in some sort of "slump" or "phase" for the last three weeks....but I think that's changing now. Since being home from Denver the thought of the effort to be social and make plans with people has been exhausting and unappealing. I loved being there and the people I got to spend time with all mean a lot to me - it was more depressing than I expected to come home and not have them here. It's not that I don't care about my friends in Montana or anything like that, I think after the week there I've just been feeling emotionally tired. And for someone who until recently had only rare emotional moments, it's possible that I've just been plain worn out. Who knew it could take this long to recover? Seriously there have been changes in me over the last 6 months that I'm still learning the repercussions of.
Example: About two months ago I was trying to help my older sister with a project that was really frustrating her. As it became increasingly more obvious that this project, needing to get done that evening, would have to wait, my trying to help wasn't really helping the situation at all. It ended up that she snapped at me and told me that it would be better if just wasn't there. I agreed and went to my car. Here's the part that surprised me though; my feelings were so hurt that she didn't want my help and that she'd been mean. I can't even remember before that being upset over hurt feelings. I've had my heart kindof stepped on before but in a completely different context. Before I drove off she came to my window and apologized, but I was holding back tears the whole way home. Bewildered by my own reaction; that's all I can say I was thinking. I remember being surprised that I 'had feeling to BE hurt'.
That's just an example of how this girl I'm turning into is so very different from the girl I've spent so long being. Often I think of some of my friends who have known me for a long time now and I am so surprised that my idiocy didn't scare them away. I guess that's real friendship. That is something I need to remind myself that I have. It's really hard when the people that are the closest to my heart either live far away or are impossible to get ahold of - or both. Part of this "phase" I have been in has been seeming to feel unimportant to people who are important to me. I hate it. It's depressing and it makes me feel rejected. It's not true, I know that, but I've been haing trouble believing it. God has, in turn, been faithful to remind me of the people who care about me. In the last week I've been able to have real, meaningful conversations with two of my closest girl friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Talking on the phone isn't my favorite thing only because conversation usually ends up staying on the shallow end of pool, and good friendship lives at the other end. Like I said, being able to reconnect with these two girls has blessed my heart incredibly and it's helped get my thinking back on track too. I hate to blame hormones on my moods, but it would by lying to say that they haven't contributed to the weirdness a little bit too.
In all of that I have tried a few times to post and not known just what to relate. I wanted to sum it up somehow and it just wouldn't come together in my head. This hasn't been a summary in the sense that it's short, but it does shed a little light on the 'emotional' (and subsequently somewhat new for me to express) side of my life over the past few weeks of blogger silence. I have of course stayed very busy in the meantime; working, taking care of my brothers while my parents are out of town, painting my brother's room, and trying to track down information on the school I want to go to in September. If my lack of social enthusiasm gave the impression that I've been sitting on the couch for the last three weeks moping, that is not the case. For now I sleep, tomorrow another busy day.
Example: About two months ago I was trying to help my older sister with a project that was really frustrating her. As it became increasingly more obvious that this project, needing to get done that evening, would have to wait, my trying to help wasn't really helping the situation at all. It ended up that she snapped at me and told me that it would be better if just wasn't there. I agreed and went to my car. Here's the part that surprised me though; my feelings were so hurt that she didn't want my help and that she'd been mean. I can't even remember before that being upset over hurt feelings. I've had my heart kindof stepped on before but in a completely different context. Before I drove off she came to my window and apologized, but I was holding back tears the whole way home. Bewildered by my own reaction; that's all I can say I was thinking. I remember being surprised that I 'had feeling to BE hurt'.
That's just an example of how this girl I'm turning into is so very different from the girl I've spent so long being. Often I think of some of my friends who have known me for a long time now and I am so surprised that my idiocy didn't scare them away. I guess that's real friendship. That is something I need to remind myself that I have. It's really hard when the people that are the closest to my heart either live far away or are impossible to get ahold of - or both. Part of this "phase" I have been in has been seeming to feel unimportant to people who are important to me. I hate it. It's depressing and it makes me feel rejected. It's not true, I know that, but I've been haing trouble believing it. God has, in turn, been faithful to remind me of the people who care about me. In the last week I've been able to have real, meaningful conversations with two of my closest girl friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Talking on the phone isn't my favorite thing only because conversation usually ends up staying on the shallow end of pool, and good friendship lives at the other end. Like I said, being able to reconnect with these two girls has blessed my heart incredibly and it's helped get my thinking back on track too. I hate to blame hormones on my moods, but it would by lying to say that they haven't contributed to the weirdness a little bit too.
In all of that I have tried a few times to post and not known just what to relate. I wanted to sum it up somehow and it just wouldn't come together in my head. This hasn't been a summary in the sense that it's short, but it does shed a little light on the 'emotional' (and subsequently somewhat new for me to express) side of my life over the past few weeks of blogger silence. I have of course stayed very busy in the meantime; working, taking care of my brothers while my parents are out of town, painting my brother's room, and trying to track down information on the school I want to go to in September. If my lack of social enthusiasm gave the impression that I've been sitting on the couch for the last three weeks moping, that is not the case. For now I sleep, tomorrow another busy day.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
to my lifeless blog
May 7th. It's been almost two weeks since I last posted. If somehow I had a plan for fitting the mass of my thoughts in a post short enough to read in a sitting I would have probably written earlier.
Since returning from Denver I have found my enthusiasm for social activity to be quite cool, if in fact it is not non-existant. Neutral at best. I am not entirely sure of the reason for lack of regard for interaction, I just..... don't feel the need.
Since returning from Denver I have found my enthusiasm for social activity to be quite cool, if in fact it is not non-existant. Neutral at best. I am not entirely sure of the reason for lack of regard for interaction, I just..... don't feel the need.
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