prospecting

where is peace?
and the piece of me it took with it.
one hand over my eyes and one hand over my ears left me blind and deaf.
no hand to receive, no perception of depth and words sounding mumbled together.
just like drunk when any idea seems like a good idea.
convinced even that it's perfect, in a dull witted moment.
i'm hungover from my own ideas filling my head and slowing my senses.
this week is my headache. this adventure my nausea of dehydration.
all my best intentions look like thin white paint over an ugly stain.
it should've been red.

like a prospector i've gone west in search of gold and arrived in the desert.
my pan and my pick are good tools, i bought them.
but they are of no use if i am supposed to be planting.
how much more appealing to mine gold than to plant wheat?
immediate results.
and the ground here is not for wheat.

saving face is no longer an option.
failure feels like a scalple running over the scar where my pride has died before.
cut the cancer again.
it needs to die.

i awoke from my stupor sometime early yesterday.
i waited for you to pour salt on my wound and assign my penance.
"stay in your hole and wait for spring" i thought you'd say.
instead i saw your arm, not raised to strike, but to caress and comfort.

i couldn't come near, but you wait.
all this prospecting, all my good intentions merely shadows of goodness.
little regrets and huge hurdles lie strewn around me.
"go back to where you left off" you say.
so simply.

you require nothing and yet i heap responsibilty on myself.
my disheveled look and the stupid life rearranging details don't embarrass you.
whatever i could find to pass the time i filled my head with.
all the best intentions were nothing to me because i insist on doing things myself.

by some unseen grace i have found the piece of me i left behind.
hardly the way i remember it.
but the peace is here again.
what can humiliation bring but a need for something to cover myself with?
to hide the red rising behind my ears.

you cover me.
you're my hiding place.

show me how to put my feet.

i wish somehow i could explain this summer. but there are too many names and even more faces. dreams i can remember and conversations i can't. questions i don't understand and answers i do.

love is like air. not romance, just love. like air when you realize that it's been months since you consciously took a breath. and so you breath, and air is sweet. and it's all around you, but you still don't understand it. and you still have to take another breath because in a moment you need it again. it's there but you can't explain it. you need it but one breath is never enough. and sometimes the sweet smells of memories are there. but more often they're not. and you still need air. love is like air.

all of my emotions this summer, they hurt a lot like love and i'm trying not to hold by breath.
summer ends tomorrow.

just a few more last times and goodbyes.

california,

what's inside you?

something for me?

where will you fit in my head?

will the air taste like love when i hear the ocean and smell the wind?

not too late

it seems like every time i make the point of saying 'i don't want to stay out too late' i come home later than the nights before. what am i gonna do with myself when i have a midnight curfew? yuk. i don't hate the rules, but my extreme nocturnal tendancies this summer will take a while to correct themselves. i suppose in california it's better not to stay out till 2 in the morning anyways.

even though they don't read this i'd like to give a shout out to the nice boys from Missoula i met last night. jake, buddy and dave (DJ something i can't remember). nice guys. maybe Missoula isn't a total wash. ;)

hmmm. i think my bbq is getting rained out. it's like 55 degrees today.
i will miss montana.

cruise control

uh, just had to record my wierd accomplishment of the day. enroute from leaving the lake late for work and arriving i changed from my bikini into a tank top and shorts. yes, i was the driver. cruise set at 35mph i managed what i never would've guessed i could. i arrived very grateful for the privacy two-lane highways provide. Next time i shouldn't debate for so long about calling in sick and just leave for work on time.

the countdown returns

if you were here last summer you'll remember the countdown that always comes at the end. here's this year's...

Days until I:
say good-bye to my parents - 3

host a sweet BBQ - 4
have my last day of work - 9

leave for California - 11
move onto campus - 14
start classes at Calvery Chapel Bible College- 21
have my 21st birthday (!) - 38 (unofficial celebrations begin tonight! hehehe)
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It's still a bit surreal that I'm this summer is ending so quickly and I'll be living in southern california at bible college. I spent a lot of time thinking about the decision so it's not really last minute, but it only became official last week which makes it seem so. I'm excited to be headed somewhere with by brother for the first time. The last three years have tended to place us in extreme opposites of location. It will be such a blessing not to have to say goodbye to him along with everyone else. I can hardly believe my baby sister is starting college at University of Montana at the end of this month as well. She pretty much grew up behind my back. I wish I knew her better.

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For some reason the words "I miss you" have always been just as meaningful to me as "I love you". It's like when someone says " I miss you" it implies that they love you even when you're not around. That to me is so special. I'm sure plenty of people don't think of it the same way, but I've always been hesitant to say it unless i wanted someone to know just how much I cared.

For as many people as have come and gone in my life I seem to have made a habit of letting go. It's not that I want to all the time, but that I know how to and it comes kindof naturally when that seems to be the only thing I can do. It's part of my self-defense mindset which I know is not entirely that great, but I've never wanted to miss someone more than they miss me. So if they don't seem to I respond accordingly, if I can.

Denial. That has a lot to do with it. If I don't talk about you or think about you, you're not part of where I'm at, so there's no hole. I'll laugh at a memory and then talk about something else. I'll keep the file with your pictures closed. I won't listen to the voice mail I saved. I won't miss you, because it hurts too much like love. And you're too far away. All of you. You're all so far away. I want to miss you, but I almost don't remember how. I'm sorry.

assorted thoughts

* it used to be dark outside my house. now our neighbors' yard lights light up our house like a full moon. who needs four lights on the their garage, and why are they still on at 1am?*

*i sang at margarita monday this week. that's the first time i've sung in a bar. i felt just as close to God performing in a bar as i do in church. there's something in it that's not of myself, and it was good to remember that feeling. it's been a while. *

* my 'climb the stairs' muscles are tired. i worked really hard tonight. then at the end i forgot to charge someone for $85 worth of food. i feel like crap about it. bad way to end a night where i worked so hard. my boss didn't make me pay for it. i think i might've felt better if he had.*

*i love water. and i have a real appreciation for sobriety.*

* summer is quickly coming to an end. it's official now, i'm moving to southern california. i made my payment today for bible college.*

* i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.*

* i love taking showers in the dark.*

*final thought*

*i'm really going to miss my big sister when i leave. becasuse of working nights i've hardly seen her all summer. it makes me sad just thinking about it. *

* i love you emily! *