It Begins!

Today has not only begun the fourty-ninth year of my wonderful mother's life , but also my real actual steps toward being the musician I believe God wants me to be. Now I'll admit that may sound much more grand than actually necessary, but I do feel like today was an excellent step in the right direction. I spent much of my day today listening to, talking about, and even practicing music. My music, the stuff I like listening to, the kinds i want to learn from... I have never known i needed to learn so much and not known where to really start. But we started. It is so encouraging to have Luke around, not just for his knowledge in music and recording but also for his encouragment and his companionship in our common interest. It seems interesting how opportunities come alltogether sometimes. Having Luke start learning my songs and helping me get better, seeing my friend with connections to a talent agency tonight, meeting another guy who has a recording studio who I could sing/perform with sometime just for fun. All little things, but soo encouraging when, after a day of talking business, equipment and song styles, I tend to feel more overwhelmed and discouraged than optimistic about what I have to accomplish. It's a lofty goal to make music worth something and I am grateful that I don't have to do it all alone (which is what i tend to try)...I have most importantly God on my side, but it is invaluably encouraging to have two heads to put together instead of one. so it begins again...

...an expression of evening...

betrayed by genuine regard

i find myself wanting for replacement - distraction please

none will come

none will do

trapped in wishing

wanting, unwilling

 

patience

oh virtue don't fail me now

am i loyal or a fool

do i hope in dreams

why i waste time in wondering

one way is meant best...but yet to find it

 

why can't we know that what we have isn't best until we've known better?
when do we stop looking forward and hold on the the best we've got?

Seeing my father in me...

It will probably always surprise me when I discover yet again just how much I am like my Dad. Somehow without knowing it I have grown up to hold many of the same virtues, strengths, quirks, vices and habits that my father has. Consequently it has taken a few years of practice for us to be able to discuss things in which we feel differently, since in so many things what we feel, we feel quite strongly. This is a development of patience and communication is for which I am truly grateful. I know I have a lot still to learn from him. I also hope that in turn I can relate what I have learned of God and life to him, so we can understand each other. I have a great friendship with my Mom, and it's really nice when I get chances to get to know my Dad better. Like tonight.
I thought I was going to be home alone but instead my Dad came home. We spent over an hour talking. He has raised me well to be responsible, to work hard and to stand up for myself. Unfortunately the independance that I can be so proud of in some ways can in others make my walk with God much more challenging. How to respond to a man with almost 50 years of hard work and experience, who has earned and earned dearly the livlihood of my family even with his health in disarray, how to respond? How to communicate?  To discuss this journey I am beginning which is to depend on God for ALL things and not myself. I don't yet grasp the feeling or the faith of such living, only the truth that it IS God's desire for me. And so I continue to learn my own convictions as I express them to others. "You must know that you know that you know God's voice, and in that walk in obedience. When you're in God's will, then He can bless you and supply your every need..."  I say it, I believe it....but I don't yet know it. I am praying for that time....when I can know that I know. When I'm the sheep "who knows the shepherd's voice".
 I have much yet to learn from my Father and from my Dad. From my Dad I learn to perservere, from my Father these days I'm trying to learn how to pray. Isn't it so amazing that he took the time to teach.... "this is how we ought to pray" my Friend told me...

Oh my God in heaven, your name is Holy, it tells of greatness and righteousness...Holy is your name! Lord that your kingdom would come here on earth, that your authority and presense and your will would be here on Earth on the same magnitude that it is in heaven. Forgive me today because I have sinned, just like I did yesterday. Grow in my the strength and give me the grace to forgive those who hurt and offend me. Feed me Lord with your word each day,  and send me also the things I need to stay strong and healthy physically. Lead me away from the temptations and distractions of this life and be my deliverer when I am not strong enough to make the right decision. Yours, oh God, is the kingdom that rules my life! Yours, my Lord, is the power that overcame sin and death and the Enemy completely! To you Father all my attention and devotion is due...from all the world you deserve worship and praise. Forever and forever. Amen
 
Prayer, He's teaching me, takes practice. And though practice and homework were never things to which one would describe me as diligent, I am however convinced much more thouroughly of it's importance in this case.
   I have given up on make some conclusive point here at the end, but i'll go with this. I love my Dad, all the more  as I get to know him (and no, not because I find we're alike and thereby am loving myself you cynics!). He is a good man and I am soo grateful for him.  I love my Father, because I am getting to know him as well. A venture I am sure even eternity will not exhaust. Why do I complain about being bored with such an opportunity? Because I'm human and immature and I like to be entertained. it's a process...

to end here....note to self: if you want to get to bed by 11:30pm, don't start a project and a blog entry at 12:15am. duh.

recommendation

Just a moment to recommend to everyone "To End All Wars" the film produced and directed by David Cunningham (Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM, his son if you didn't know). It's been out for a while now and I only just watched it tonight. Incredibly moving film. Fantastic example of what Christian influence and a godly message can look like in the mainstream without being the b-quality, has-a-reputation-for-being-cheesy Christian media of the past. Support this film, keep an eye out for more from David Cunningham. Watch it with your friends, saved and unsaved it could start some great conversations. It's a true story too.

learning to blog

i must say that i spent a bit of time considering what I thought had been a very misunderstood statement in my last blog. i wondered, did i really mean what i wrote the way i wrote it? was my miscommunication merely the result of typing  directly from brain to fingertips? Do i in fact care very much what other people think of my thoughts, or am I confident in my opinions without intending to offend people?
   I think the answer is yes. But I have realized that to communicate en masse, or rather to have text minus context, is a very easily misinterpreted thing. And, how striking also that my thoughts can evoke emotion and response from others. I am again sobered by my resposibility to represent Christ with all my lifestyles and expressions. Be pleased to know I will NEVER "arrive" nor claim to....only continually I am faced with the facts and try again to be diligent. (if you're lost, read my last post and then the comments of "someone" who, Thank You, caused me to see things from a different angle, to pause, to consider...a healthy challenge). Thankfully the offense was a misconception  on my part.
    I must share a laugh in the irony that, as this blog is a place for me to share my thoughts, which lately have been impressed upon by the current "grown up" book i'm reading (meaning, non-fiction), Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets, regardless of the fact that I can have thoughts filled with the challenges to be selfless, to pray, to interceed, and many other worthwhile things....(as also deftly put by someone) a blog by nature is supposed to be about me. Maybe i wish i hadn't run out of good ideas when I named my blog address "juliestory". It is a forum for my thoughts. As I grow, or try to, and learn, or hope to...those are the thoughts I hope to share.
    Friends! There are so many of my dearest who are far away so much more often than they are close. It is so hard to stay close in spirit if the basic facts are all an email has time to cover. The inspiration for this blog was to have a place where a little of my heart can live and thus be nearer my friends if they chose to want it so. Both Rhiana and Hilde are that much more alive in my heart because they can share thier hearts with me...even if it's sometimes through a blog. It helps me know how to pray, and rejoice, and struggle right along side them. If you don't like that this has been wordy or emotional i choose not to care. This is not an editorial for a local paper, not some impersonal dissertation on what it is to blog....I'm just setting it out that my purpose is neither to offend nor educate anyone but just to speak my mind as it comes to me.

friends and fellowship....the first real sunday in months

Another full day. Church, lunch with friends, a walk in the park, sad and disturbing news, seeing old friends, praying with new ones. A full day. With two songs floating on the edge of my creative grip tomorrow just may prove to be fruitful as well. I was truly encouraged and uplifted by the fellowship at college group tonight. Often I don't look forward to prayer groups at the end as much as i should...but i get the blahs when it turns out to be a shallow share-fest and tiny prayer session that ultimately remains either very 'me focused' or impersonal..or both. Tonight was not that way. People were sharing about personal struggles during our study that has just begun in Ruth and as five other girls and I gathered to pray afterwards the stage was very much set for us to continue sharing. In a large group like the Fellowship I've been going to these last 8 months it's often hard to really get to know anyone because everyone has a million things to do and ten other people to talk to while giving only 10% of their attention to a conversation with you. Needless to say they never get too deep. Today was a perfect summer Sunday and I am again with all my heart grateful that God never intended us to be Christians by ourselves. I am uplifted, if for no specific reason, and satisfied in the knowledge that I may have helped to uplift others.
There is something to full life in Christ. Something I have yet to grasp in full, but I have tasted and I have seen. GOD IS GOOD. HE IS FAITHFUL...and He will have His rightful place of honor in my life.
Jesus, praise you for your grace and mercy are neverending....because if they could run out I would have long ago taxed their resources in my foolishness and sin. Send in extra portion your peace and mercy to my friends tonight who are hurting. Healer of my soul bring restoration to them, Friend of my heart bring comfort, Teacher of my mind show them the light and the wonders of your glory. Your mercy never ends, and your love endures forever. Thank you Father for your steadfast love, you will never leave, you will always be, right by my side.

sun unexpected

to my delight it was clear blue skies when i woke up this morning. off to a good start. day two of my parents out of town and the house doesn't yet look like a tornado site....we'll see by wednesday. i couldn't help myself, i started looking at plane tickets and hostels in europe. even though the hoped for trip is over a year away...i'm a real plan-aheader when i'm excited about something. i had to stop myself after a few minutes because i realized it could be hours of interneting fun to plan a whole trip...hours which i niether had nor wanted to use inside on such a gorgeous day. as it was i only managed about 5 minutes petting Bella outside before i had to get ready for work.
to my further delight...well i'll just go with surprise, there were actually people at the golf club today. Thanks again Sunshine Man! For nearly the first time in 2 months I had a shift where not once did i lean against a counter and wonder "what can i be doing?" maybe, just maybe, summer and it's faithful money spending tourists has arrived at Eagle Bend. now if i can just learn to golf.
So yes, I am thankful for a full and fruitful day at work. Not as stoked to be going back in 9 hrs to reopen...but at least an early start means more of my day to play with later on. i'm going for the positive side of things. That's all for now, as my teeth need brushing and my bed is calling my name....."juuuuuulie" ...hmmm why did that all the sudden seem spooky to me. oh well...i love my bed. Early morning golfers...here i come!

Happy Birthday America!

Just a moment to reflect on the amazing freedom I have as an American. Freedoms and restrictions. There are places i'll never be welcome because of my President, or my country's foreign policy, or some past history, or because of the misperceptions gained through Hollywood's grossly accurate yet overgeneralizing potrayal of life in the US, or simply my language or the color of my skin. Yet I can be grateful for a different kind of freedom today as well. Absolutley irreverent of my national heritage I have been given a citizenship in heaven. My Father has connections in every country, in every city, with every business, gov't and organization. I can neither go anywhere nor do anything without His guidance, I am worthless. But WITH him, there is no border or barrier that can keep me out. AHHHH FREEDOM! Jesus redefined the word when He died and set me free from my future in hell and gave me a new life. Wow, these thoughts seems rather scattered to me. Yes, Happy Birthday America. Lord help this country to find again the biblical foundations on which the government was laid, revive your church in this one of the most priviledged and weathly countries in the world. Use me God to make an impact and redefine what it means to be an American citizen in the kingdom of God.

needing wisdom

do you ever leave your house for somewhere and know before you make it to the door it would have been better to have stayed? i'm not sure if it's a matter of better or worse for me, just that i wouldn't have been faced with the gross facts when at this point i'd have rather been sleeping. yes, an interesting and frustrating evening out with the sisters. what can i do besides aknowledge that i can do nothing. Jesus help me I can't fix or change a thing. ugh i was almost overwhelmed with the pure shallowness surrounding me while i waited at the Garden bar for my ride home. standing alone wanting very much for someone to talk to, yet completely unattracted to the idea of shouting small talk with a stranger or aquaintance who very likely had no clue what was going on in the first place. fun is all in the company which was most entirely lacking tonight. i am here longing, moreso even than usual, for the company of those friends i do have who really know me, for their conversation, their wisdom in my frustration, and even just their company.