All last night I woke up on and off, somewhat frustrated by my lack of restful sleep (par these days), but each time I heard the rythmic drone of rain outside my window. When I woke up this morning the rain was still there. All day it has continued to pour, and now at the end of the day it is still raining and I look forward to whatever measure of sleep I can obtain being accompanied by the steady pace of drops from the eaves and a breeze of cool fresh air.
The consistancy of the rain was comforting as I feel very little of that quality in myself at present. Certain things remain in me which entertain no doubt, while others find me speechlessly humming and hawing to myself, rapidy spinning life itineraries and juggling possibilities, or just getting lost in the jungle of cyber-space trying to find information that will somehow abate whatever my current feverish curiousity may be. In the same breath I can express my satisfaction with the status quo and my desperate desire to be ordinary while in complete contradiction, with no space audible, I will tell you that I am in every way insatiable with the endless possibilities and indiscernable paths my life can and should be taking. Though God is still unchanging and consistant in his offer for peace and relationship I can not lie and say that the God-part of me is not likewise plagued with unpredictable emotional opinions just like the rest of my life.
The consistancy of the rain was comforting as I feel very little of that quality in myself at present. Certain things remain in me which entertain no doubt, while others find me speechlessly humming and hawing to myself, rapidy spinning life itineraries and juggling possibilities, or just getting lost in the jungle of cyber-space trying to find information that will somehow abate whatever my current feverish curiousity may be. In the same breath I can express my satisfaction with the status quo and my desperate desire to be ordinary while in complete contradiction, with no space audible, I will tell you that I am in every way insatiable with the endless possibilities and indiscernable paths my life can and should be taking. Though God is still unchanging and consistant in his offer for peace and relationship I can not lie and say that the God-part of me is not likewise plagued with unpredictable emotional opinions just like the rest of my life.
From inhale to exhale I feel differently about the world, about my role in it and about what decisions I want to make and those that I must. I feel lonley, I feel comfort, I feel distress, I know peace, I want adventure, I am eased by routine, I lack resolve, I am unmovable, I am ... utterly unaquainted with myself in this state of instability.
But I'm glad it rained.
But I'm glad it rained.
I had coffee with the friend closest to my heart. I got new headlights for my car. I went to the library. I wandered around a book shop. I bought a map of Europe. I bought a book for my brother. I had coffee again. I looked a plane tickets on the internet.
The hurricane is on the inside. Outside is just the steady comfort of falling rain.
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