immaterial

Let's go back to yesterday perhaps, today is too mysterious for my heart to understand
My ignorance yesterday kept my heart beating steady, not nervous or racing or catching in my throat
Let's go back to yesterday when I had forgotten the throws of young emotion that cause my stomach to drop and my mind to cloud with day dreams and longing
These moments of chaos were distant memories, yesterday

Let's go back to yesterday, today is too lonely for my survivor's heart
My rhythm yesterday was uninterrupted, my eyes weren't stuck to the the door looking for the face to appear that would stop me holding my breath
Holding your breath is easier when you forget how sweet and free the air can be

"perhaps a little inspiration here"
that's all it took
the best surprise, the sweetest goodbye, the longest drive home happy in my life
curiosity battling exhaustion and a mind full of bottled emotions ready to burst like a bottle of champagne
don't twist me now
recap the cork
take me back to yesterday when I knew how to think

yesterday I was content in shades of grey, sharp in contrast but nothing so vibrant that it could move me
and now I'm here in this perpetual today where blue skies, green grasses, white sheets and red lips burst in bold revelation causing my steady soul to tremble
like blinking away the blurry eyes of morning the sense of change settles on me like a fragrant night breeze off the sea, growing hour by hour

take me back to yesterday when i had nothing so fragile to try and hold lightly
nothing so bright as to cause my eyes to look away
back to yesterday when i slept alone, unaware
when i walked ahead not noticing my solitary
take me back to yesterday
before you took me by surprise
before I had cause to wonder if you were merely ether
if only I could have caught our moments
like a ship in a bottle to wonder over, to try and understand

then again, perhaps I wouldn't mind today, if I knew how to find you here

"I love me, I'd like you to love me too."

I just started reading  "Stuff My Father Never Told Me About Relationships" by Patrick Dodson a few days ago and it has already given me a stomach full of food for thought.

For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.

I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.

As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.

It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.

I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.

My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.

Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I  spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.