(I found this older post sitting in my drafts... Written in the midst of a rare and un-edited moment of frustration I'm sure, which is likely why I failed to post it. I was tempted to edit it now, or not to post it at all. But who am I kidding? I wouldn't have written it if I didn't mean it, and posting my honesty, however harsh, is humbling. So here's a snap shot of an honest moment, about a year ago - feels longer now.)
I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.
I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?
When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.
I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.
And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".
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