jittery

early mornings.
sitting still.
coffee with shots of espresso in them for lunch.
the last two hours of work.
being on the phone all day.
having better things to do.
plenty on my mind, no brain space to process.

this combination has me toe tapping, finger drumming and trying not to count the minutes.

love:hate relationship

hope

my constant light and most mysterious darkness

it compells me to look forward where no definition can be found in the haze

comfort and peace and inspiration go by the same name

as do frustration, despair and the constant fear of failure

hope

it tells me that love can last

and it tells me to try again when love doesn't

it tells me to reach up and reach out

when my hands find empty air and when my blind attempts retrieve reward

it refuses to allow disappointment to tarnish dreams

and it keeps dreams alive which have been buried too long



hope drags me kicking and screaming towards a light too beautiful to be real

hope finds me beaming and laughing when i find myself proven wrong again

it tells me that risk is worth it

it makes me grind my teeth and beg to be left alone

it reminds me that my life is for living

and it takes all i have not to throw it out with my doubts

i love it because it believes in people the way my heart desperately wants to

i hate it because it keeps me believing even when i'm completely broken

i love it because it sees miracles instead of coincidences

i hate it because it sees the opportunity to try again instead of giving me permission to quit when it hurts


it is a love:hate relationship

my inspiration

my nemesis

my bright light

my dark mystery

hope