So Long Gone

I have been so long gone, and the entirety of the reason still escapes me. I've been in some sort of "slump" or "phase" for the last three weeks....but I think that's changing now. Since being home from Denver the thought of the effort to be social and make plans with people has been exhausting and unappealing. I loved being there and the people I got to spend time with all mean a lot to me - it was more depressing than I expected to come home and not have them here. It's not that I don't care about my friends in Montana or anything like that, I think after the week there I've just been feeling emotionally tired. And for someone who until recently had only rare emotional moments, it's possible that I've just been plain worn out. Who knew it could take this long to recover? Seriously there have been changes in me over the last 6 months that I'm still learning the repercussions of.

Example: About two months ago I was trying to help my older sister with a project that was really frustrating her. As it became increasingly more obvious that this project, needing to get done that evening, would have to wait, my trying to help wasn't really helping the situation at all. It ended up that she snapped at me and told me that it would be better if just wasn't there. I agreed and went to my car. Here's the part that surprised me though; my feelings were so hurt that she didn't want my help and that she'd been mean. I can't even remember before that being upset over hurt feelings. I've had my heart kindof stepped on before but in a completely different context. Before I drove off she came to my window and apologized, but I was holding back tears the whole way home. Bewildered by my own reaction; that's all I can say I was thinking. I remember being surprised that I 'had feeling to BE hurt'.

That's just an example of how this girl I'm turning into is so very different from the girl I've spent so long being. Often I think of some of my friends who have known me for a long time now and I am so surprised that my idiocy didn't scare them away. I guess that's real friendship. That is something I need to remind myself that I have. It's really hard when the people that are the closest to my heart either live far away or are impossible to get ahold of - or both. Part of this "phase" I have been in has been seeming to feel unimportant to people who are important to me. I hate it. It's depressing and it makes me feel rejected. It's not true, I know that, but I've been haing trouble believing it. God has, in turn, been faithful to remind me of the people who care about me. In the last week I've been able to have real, meaningful conversations with two of my closest girl friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Talking on the phone isn't my favorite thing only because conversation usually ends up staying on the shallow end of pool, and good friendship lives at the other end. Like I said, being able to reconnect with these two girls has blessed my heart incredibly and it's helped get my thinking back on track too. I hate to blame hormones on my moods, but it would by lying to say that they haven't contributed to the weirdness a little bit too.

In all of that I have tried a few times to post and not known just what to relate. I wanted to sum it up somehow and it just wouldn't come together in my head. This hasn't been a summary in the sense that it's short, but it does shed a little light on the 'emotional' (and subsequently somewhat new for me to express) side of my life over the past few weeks of blogger silence. I have of course stayed very busy in the meantime; working, taking care of my brothers while my parents are out of town, painting my brother's room, and trying to track down information on the school I want to go to in September. If my lack of social enthusiasm gave the impression that I've been sitting on the couch for the last three weeks moping, that is not the case. For now I sleep, tomorrow another busy day.