immaterial

Let's go back to yesterday perhaps, today is too mysterious for my heart to understand
My ignorance yesterday kept my heart beating steady, not nervous or racing or catching in my throat
Let's go back to yesterday when I had forgotten the throws of young emotion that cause my stomach to drop and my mind to cloud with day dreams and longing
These moments of chaos were distant memories, yesterday

Let's go back to yesterday, today is too lonely for my survivor's heart
My rhythm yesterday was uninterrupted, my eyes weren't stuck to the the door looking for the face to appear that would stop me holding my breath
Holding your breath is easier when you forget how sweet and free the air can be

"perhaps a little inspiration here"
that's all it took
the best surprise, the sweetest goodbye, the longest drive home happy in my life
curiosity battling exhaustion and a mind full of bottled emotions ready to burst like a bottle of champagne
don't twist me now
recap the cork
take me back to yesterday when I knew how to think

yesterday I was content in shades of grey, sharp in contrast but nothing so vibrant that it could move me
and now I'm here in this perpetual today where blue skies, green grasses, white sheets and red lips burst in bold revelation causing my steady soul to tremble
like blinking away the blurry eyes of morning the sense of change settles on me like a fragrant night breeze off the sea, growing hour by hour

take me back to yesterday when i had nothing so fragile to try and hold lightly
nothing so bright as to cause my eyes to look away
back to yesterday when i slept alone, unaware
when i walked ahead not noticing my solitary
take me back to yesterday
before you took me by surprise
before I had cause to wonder if you were merely ether
if only I could have caught our moments
like a ship in a bottle to wonder over, to try and understand

then again, perhaps I wouldn't mind today, if I knew how to find you here

.lost.

I know sad, lonely, discouraged and tired
I understand broken hearts, empty wallets and silent phones when you wish they were ringing
I've seen days with more questions than answers, more fears than comfort and more fuel than flame

But I'm not lost.

I know ashamed, disappointed and embarrassed
I understand dismissal, false hope and failed dreams that steal the breath from your lungs
I've seen days with fights instead of celebration, closed doors instead of welcome and days with more "I'm done here" than "we can do this"

But I'm not lost.

Don't ask to see my compass or  my map
I have no use for either, they can't help me here
What I need is to simply breath easy
To laugh a moment and feel the tension leave my face
To unclench my fists; to remember...

I have only a guess where I am right now
And where I'm going is a mystery as well
But I know I'm not lost as I wander

All the colors of my thoughts and emotions
Have not always painted me bright
but I know I'm not lost as I wander

Grace has given me something to hold onto
I found home, in my heart, wait you'll see

Burn the map, hide the keys, call me crazy
I'll have Jesus, my home, my peace

not made for this...

Birds were not made for airports

Born to a world of steel and glass

Of noise and people and fast food cuisine

Flying never higher than the ceiling

Falling never into the soft dirt

Do they wonder of other places they might have been born?

Is there instinct in longing which cries,

 "this is not where I was created to fly?"

Birds were not made for airports

Birds were not made for airports 

Whether born there or trapped by surprise

Accidentally held captive 

Wild born but now consciously kept

From the freedom and blue sky and seasons

They remember a past now glassed over

Birds were not made for airports

Men were not made for cast molding

Not designed to be one and the same

But for fighting, dreaming and dying

With more than a hunger for fame

So many alive just for breathing

Accomplishing life like a task

Moving mindless beneath artificial lighting

Too accustomed to question or ask

"am I alive but not living?"

"why do I feel conscious but not awake?"
Men were not made for cast molding
Thank God for the casts that He breaks

now I lay me down to sleep...

oh hidden door won't you stay hidden.
don't wake the sleeping child inside.
that carefree believer who wears your same smile is best left in secret to hide.
won't you cover your ears if she's singing, don't let your eyes follow her dance.
her laughter will dare you to remember, her song will remind you to chance.

Choosing favorites is....tricky

In a conversation I had recently about our "favorite music" I asked my friend "What album would you take with you to a deserted island?" to which they quickly responded; and then the conversation trailed elsewhere.

My mind, however, has remained fixated upon the idea all week because I can't seem to answer my own question in a moment, or even after a few days of pondering. In an attempt to find my "Deserted Island Album" I have opted to create a "Deserted Island Compilation"; in the hope that whichever malevolent powers that would exile a person and give them such a daunting choice would accept this compilation as a pseudo-album and would allow me these few aural comforts in my exile.

Imagining the rest of my life with a mere 15-18 songs to keep me company was a bit like looking at my toes and trying to decide which ones I would miss the least should a few need removing. Do I choose the most nostalgic (by decade? by relationship? by genre?)? Do I choose the ones with the greatest lyrics so I will be always reminded of their inspiring messages? Do I pick only those real "hits" that made each of my favorite artists' musical career?

While I can't claim that this is the perfect line up, by order or selection, I did finally chose (out of around 10,000 in my iTunes library) these 18 songs which I felt could stand the test of repetition by offering technical excellence, compelling presentation and intriguing content.

Consider this project an exercise in thankfulness to the sheer vastness of musical brilliance I have been exposed to in just the first few decades of my life. While this mix would undergo a revision or two if it was indeed to be  "the last album I ever hear",  I'll settle here by sharing my "first draft" and leaving it at that.

On a Deserted Island - Draft #1:

Gobbledigook - Sigur Ros

Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

How It Ends - Devotchka

Two Step - Dave Matthews Band

Be Somebody - Kings of Leon

I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie

Melissa - The Allman Brothers

Brothers in Arms - Dire Straights

Power of the Gospel - Ben Harper

Annasthesia - The Cinematic Underground

Round Here - Counting Crows

Cannonball - Damien Rice

Tell Him I Love Him - Lauryn Hill

Airplanes - Local Natives

Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons

Hold You In My Arms - Ray LaMontagne

Wait - Shaded Red

I Have Loved You Wrong - The Swell Season

*Most of these links will take you to video/audio of these songs if you'd like to take a music trip to my deserted island; the way I would. Enjoy.

This is part of my story too...

Today begins a wave of new life into our media culture. Brought to life by the blood, sweat and tears of two VERY good friends of mine, now founders of Circle of Belief Productions and AOG Films, and created at the inspiration of a word of the Lord this couple dove into a sphere where they were completing inexperienced and have since immersed themselves in the world of modern media. With a message of hope, restoration and the love of God to speak to all generations by exposing the passion, creativity and raw humanity of the Millennial Generation and those in it who have chosen to passionately pursue a relationship with our Creator, this project has been over five years in the making and is available to the public today!

On http://www.jesusfreaksmovie.com Circle of Belief Productions released their first in a series of webisodes today on this site at the pre-cursor to the sales release of their ground-breaking documentary Jesus Freaks (The YWAM Movie) which documents a 5 month Discipleship Training School at YWAM Denver ins 2008. This film follow over 40 students as they pursue God through teaching and community life and then travel around the world to share the love they have learned about with foreign nations. All of this in the midst of a community wading through the aftermath of a devastating shooting which happened less than one month before the filming was scheduled to begin.

This film is about several things to me. On one side it is an exciting moment in the lives of my very inspirational friends, Charles and Katherine Cobb - the producers, who have become both family and heros in my life. On the other hand this is the story of my community, the ministry where I spent nearly two years full-time and the wake of my own personal tragedy. Tiffany Johnson (featured in the first webisode) was one of my very closest friends and knowing her has left a mark on my life that will never go away. Dan Griebenow, also featured in todays webisode, is another of the friends I've made during my time in Colorado that I consider to be more family than just friend. All that to say - this is personal.

Please take the time to follow this amazing story as it unfolds at www.jesusfreaksmovie.com and consider sharing this experience with your friends and family.

The story is being told and our generation is waiting to hear it. Let's see what life looks like together with this example set for us of community, grace in tragedy, giving, loving, learning, finding freedom, handling conflict, finding our true identities in Christ and more.

It's more than just a dream come true for Circle of Belief, it's a dream of God that has been born. It's a privilege to watch.

sigh no more

"Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free..." - Mumford and Sons

And this, I must believe, is true. Every time I extend myself in affection, in energy, even in curiousity towards a heart besides me own the message from this song is the echo of my desire, the shape of my  hope and the strength of my resolve.

If God is love, then let God be true and every man a liar.

"you know that I could use somebody, someone like you"

(I found this older post sitting in my drafts... Written in the midst of a rare and un-edited moment of frustration I'm sure, which is likely why I failed to post it. I was tempted to edit it now, or not to post it at all. But who am I kidding? I wouldn't have written it if I didn't mean it, and posting my honesty, however harsh, is humbling. So here's a snap shot of an honest moment, about a year ago - feels longer now.)


I knew I could come to terms with the fact that things would eventually have to change between us...I just didn't expect it to be this soon.

How dare you tell me that I cannot run, that you will not let me. How dare you hold me here when you won't hold me.

I refuse to accept that it is wrong for me to want to be wanted. It is not wrong for me to want to be the most important person in someone's world, because when I give my heart to someone I do so completely. So why would I spend myself like a new fad on whichever friendship presents itself at the moment, giving away the best of me for someone who won't stick around long enough to get to know the rest of me?

When it's right I'll know. We'll be better together than apart. Better to each other, better to others, and most importantly better able to chase after what God's put in front of us. Better together. Not just a fun for now kind of thing.

I know these things are true in my mind and that I am free to go, yet life pulls at me like a riptide and love rips at me like it's going to cost everything to keep all my pieces intact while I fight to find the connection between truth and my heart.

And when I ask Jesus he just says "trust me".

"I love me, I'd like you to love me too."

I just started reading  "Stuff My Father Never Told Me About Relationships" by Patrick Dodson a few days ago and it has already given me a stomach full of food for thought.

For instance, what a buzz kill on an otherwise feel-good crush or casual flirtation to ask yourself exactly what motivates you to be attracted to so-and-so over there, or to want to be in a serious relationship with this person only to realize that in your list of 10 reasons, 9 of them are likely to be selfish. It is sobering to say the least. Before you can even begin to think about loving someone you have to admit to yourself that your motivations are likely self-serving and have little to do with the unique identity of the object of your attraction.

I'm not in the business of seeking a life for myself where I am not challenged, but one where I can honestly stomach being faced with my own ugliness. I'm not looking for a comfortable place where I am built up in my ego instead of being championed in my true identity in Christ. Above all I certainly don't want to live a life that I have falsely convinced myself is loving towards others only to find that I am spending myself...on myself. Filling my own needs, bypassing the intimacy Jesus offers through inter-dependance on him and ultimately being a relational vacuum to the ones I claim to serve - it's no way to live.

As noble as my intentions may be, it doesn't make the soul I see in the mirror any less shocking when my eyes are open wide enough to see the selfishness through the guise of loving. Selfless love, unconditional respect, regard and affection, committed service to another's needs and best interest - that's love you make, not love you take.

It's just one more step in my journey to make love happen for someone else, instead of waiting around waiting for "love" to happen to me. Gandi said we should "Be the change we want to see in the world" which must include giving the love you wish to gain, instead of striving to obtain it.

I'd like my life to say "I love you." No conditions. Instead of "I love me and I'd like you to love me too" (Dodson's summary of the motivation behind self serving "love") and giving just enough pseudo-love to convince someone to buy the line.

My longings, desires and needs really are between me and my God. I have no business getting involved with another person so I can put my needs in their hands - it's selfish, and being human like me they'll let me down eventually and I'll just try it with someone else.

Thank you Jesus for taking me on a journey of learning how to love like you that will take my entire life to scratch the surface of. How kind of you not to leave me in the deception of believing that anyone besides you can fill my heart and complete my life. You are my home, you are my purpose, you are my source and my strength. Now and in the future would you shape me to be a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and a fellow sojourner in community who can give in relationships instead of take as I  spend my life learning to serve and share love the way you did, from a place of abundance, not out of need.

nearly time to go

oh how you would seduce me
with your high and crystal bright blue skies
your thick air summer nights when the horizon glows and the clouds flicker

when the city hums and I feel the still warm pavement underfoot
a mile above the sea with a sea of stars close enough to touch greeting me at a tilt of my chin

how you would seduce me
you would convince me to stay
with your inviting violence in the surprising outbreaks of thunder and rain
always intermingled with sunshine
leaving the freshness of wet pavement and warm earth
all in an intoxicating assault on my senses

alas for all your enticing I am still the ever leaving one

forgive my infidelity because I also love another
another sky, another scented breeze, another skyline
with daylight which causes twilight to last for hours
of endless streams and painted nights
of comforting grey on green in the wetness of a cool morning
and of all the shades in between when the light bends just so

oh colorado how you would seduce me
convincing me to stay
enticing me to linger in the richness of a warm and welcoming semi-night
oh how torn a heart can be with love and again love as its choice of directions

and here I am divided; breathing in deep
delighted in the timid produce of the skies
intrigued by the brilliant flashings across the now open plains
forgive me, my dishonesty would run deep if I said you were my only

but this I can promise,
I will return
and your imposing peaks,
your hard rock canyons
your dry and windswept foothills
they will be to me the most comforting arms of welcome

until then
seduce me in our remaining hours
and this memory I will take with me

colorado

I will miss you