i'm laying in my bed in the middle of the afternoon comforted by the sounds of the first good rain storm of this summer blowing outside my window. as usual am late to somewhere and haven't even started getting ready and even that knowledge isn't motivating me to seperate from this little haven of rest i've found just inside the window from the storm. i find my position in life this afternoon to be both literal and figurative.
clouds have rolled off the mountains and out onto the plains now for weeks withouth turning a good storm, my thoughts have tickled the edge of depth in my heart without forming sentances for longer than I care to recall. I've been stuck in the thick air of humidity that won't turn to rain in the way that i've been wanting to tell someone, anyone, how i've been feeling but finding myself without outlet or without words and sometimes just without time to go looking.
I am, as of yet, unreleased. So in that I find myself jealous of the clouds who's humid tension has now found the sweet release of rain. There have been moments with salty rain drops have gathered at the edge of my mascara, but they are nothing compared to the sweet release of summer rain, complete with lightening flashes and rumbling thunder, which i so desperately want. Release, I do not have.
I should make tea, clear a space on the couch underneath the window and write another chapter to the book I started two years ago. I should cry, write another love song and stand outside until i'm wet enough not to know if i'm crying or just enjoying the rain.
But I have somewhere to be, and i'm late. Sounds like the rain is dying down anyhow, maybe next time.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
i think i've found my place
peaberry coffee: colorado mills: outside seating: good coffee: sunshine and a view of the mountains
something about this place just works for me. it's got all the essentials neccesary for away/alone time. it's only about ten minutes from home, but that's far enough to decrease the liklihood of running into someone from work, which is almost impossible without leaving our town. so i can just hop on the freeway and 15 minutes later i'm setting up camp at an outside table with an umbrella, connecting to free internet, suntanning my legs, looking at the mountain and drinking coffee that doesn't resemble starbucks in any way. ****sigh of relief***
back home i had several such corners of the world i could disappear and tuck myself into. here i had to keep my eyes open for a little while to find it. this is me and my laptop's third visit and we think this place is a keeper. Shhhh....don't tell anyone where to find me.
in this exact moment I want for nothing to improve the situation. i even feel inspired enough to believe that i could become a frequent blogger again. though i doubt i have retained any sort of readership in my sporatic posting over the last three + years....i write for me and the idea invites me.
///a successful weekend on almost every account//
waking up to a total downpour by a phone call letting me know that something else in my department at work has broken and then proceeding to get cramps as i went into work on a saturday wouldn't seem like the recipe for a successful weekend. i should at this point remind myself that not every day should be judged by its beginning.
the rain, to most, would have been depressing. in this land of bipolar weather a good solid rain was comforting.
the phone call, though momentarily frustrating, was surprisingly tame and regretably common in theme. i can't say it caught me off guard, things in my department have a way of screwing themselves up....it's just my job to manage the crisis, not fix them. Prevention is an idea I can only dream about.
the cramps. that's life.
as for working on a saturday goes, i would consider it a contribution to the success of the weekend, not a detriment. LOVE FEAST. this celebration happens once a quarter and some of the bulk of the planning falls to me. i am the food end of things and carry the weight of making sure that 150 people get hot, tastey, theme appropriate food. thankfully there were only a few short moments in the course of my afternoon preparations in which I wondered about the shape of the evening should my efforts come to complete failure. again with much thanks to a graceful God I did not, in fact, have to find out how to deal with this kind of failure. all this to say that the social, entertainment and culinary elements of the 50's themed evening fell together perfectly and by the time I left the building (after about an hour of twisting to the oldies!) the sky had cleared and the weather was well on it's way to the sunshiny goodness i've been enjoying today.
the weather in colorado really does run on some sort of throw switch. one moment on, the next off. today, however, has furthered the statistic that I just made up in my head which says that the weather is at least 85% perfect 50% of the time.///
something about this place just works for me. it's got all the essentials neccesary for away/alone time. it's only about ten minutes from home, but that's far enough to decrease the liklihood of running into someone from work, which is almost impossible without leaving our town. so i can just hop on the freeway and 15 minutes later i'm setting up camp at an outside table with an umbrella, connecting to free internet, suntanning my legs, looking at the mountain and drinking coffee that doesn't resemble starbucks in any way. ****sigh of relief***
back home i had several such corners of the world i could disappear and tuck myself into. here i had to keep my eyes open for a little while to find it. this is me and my laptop's third visit and we think this place is a keeper. Shhhh....don't tell anyone where to find me.
in this exact moment I want for nothing to improve the situation. i even feel inspired enough to believe that i could become a frequent blogger again. though i doubt i have retained any sort of readership in my sporatic posting over the last three + years....i write for me and the idea invites me.
///a successful weekend on almost every account//
waking up to a total downpour by a phone call letting me know that something else in my department at work has broken and then proceeding to get cramps as i went into work on a saturday wouldn't seem like the recipe for a successful weekend. i should at this point remind myself that not every day should be judged by its beginning.
the rain, to most, would have been depressing. in this land of bipolar weather a good solid rain was comforting.
the phone call, though momentarily frustrating, was surprisingly tame and regretably common in theme. i can't say it caught me off guard, things in my department have a way of screwing themselves up....it's just my job to manage the crisis, not fix them. Prevention is an idea I can only dream about.
the cramps. that's life.
as for working on a saturday goes, i would consider it a contribution to the success of the weekend, not a detriment. LOVE FEAST. this celebration happens once a quarter and some of the bulk of the planning falls to me. i am the food end of things and carry the weight of making sure that 150 people get hot, tastey, theme appropriate food. thankfully there were only a few short moments in the course of my afternoon preparations in which I wondered about the shape of the evening should my efforts come to complete failure. again with much thanks to a graceful God I did not, in fact, have to find out how to deal with this kind of failure. all this to say that the social, entertainment and culinary elements of the 50's themed evening fell together perfectly and by the time I left the building (after about an hour of twisting to the oldies!) the sky had cleared and the weather was well on it's way to the sunshiny goodness i've been enjoying today.
the weather in colorado really does run on some sort of throw switch. one moment on, the next off. today, however, has furthered the statistic that I just made up in my head which says that the weather is at least 85% perfect 50% of the time.///
Saturday, March 10, 2007
grace like this...
there is such, for this exact circumstance.
if only i could wrap my head around it.
there are some nights, or days, or afternoons, or times when i'm eating breakfast, or shopping for shampoo....when i feel the need for this grace more than others.
sappy love movies are not entirely to blame, but they are a guilty pleasure and should be avoided when my lonley bone is aching.
i will not and should not do anything to try and conjure up a remedy.
and this brings on the madness, for which I so desperately need this grace.
grace to be...here.
grace to be...now.
grace to be...waiting.
if only i could wrap my head around it.
there are some nights, or days, or afternoons, or times when i'm eating breakfast, or shopping for shampoo....when i feel the need for this grace more than others.
sappy love movies are not entirely to blame, but they are a guilty pleasure and should be avoided when my lonley bone is aching.
i will not and should not do anything to try and conjure up a remedy.
and this brings on the madness, for which I so desperately need this grace.
grace to be...here.
grace to be...now.
grace to be...waiting.
Friday, February 23, 2007
opportunities
weighing options, considering possibilities, balancing priorities
making choices, searching hearts, thinking deeply
writing thoughts, exploring ideas, working hard
watching the weather, waiting for rain, hoping for stars
needing a push, wanting an answer, hoping for ...
making choices, searching hearts, thinking deeply
writing thoughts, exploring ideas, working hard
watching the weather, waiting for rain, hoping for stars
needing a push, wanting an answer, hoping for ...
Saturday, February 10, 2007
brick and stone inspired
why does it move me so?
pictures of faraway places
those which hold art and history and stories and lives that are not so unlike the ones which surround me
yet somehow beneath the glowing Tuscan sun
or in the shadow of the Alps
therein lies a mystery to me that stirs something deep
why does it move me so?
and if I had the freedom to go...
where would this longing take me
to whom would I go?
with whom would I venture?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
and the season was...
home has been, these past 7 weeks, like how I imagine a long kiss goodbye. bitter-sweet, full of emotion and resignation. filled with land-mark experiences and last-time experiences. having the feeling of truly breaking away and moving on, while leaving only those strands of my life here connected which are the most true, strong and permanent.
it has been like autumn when you watch the leaves begin to change color and slowly drop to the ground. and in this watching, whether willing or not, the season changes and cool nights turn to icy cold. at last even the strongest leaves succumb to winter winds and blow away. change and beauty and climax and resolve and the steady, unfailing consistancy that time has to continue minute after minute; never slowing or speeding up to effect a different outcome.
being at home this season has been comfortable and reassuring, but not in that tucked in by the fire sort of way. comforting in the way that you are acutely aware of the texture of a wooden railing if it is the last thing you will touch before you jump from solid bridge to moving water below. that kind of comfort where you can touch something you know and then knowingly let go because it has served its purpose. to balance you until ready.
the series of returns I have made to this place where I grew up, where my family makes its home, has had many chapters full of discovery and growth and a lot of distractions, compromise, questions and dead ends. Each time I pass though this place has held something for me in the season. Now, for the first time, even though I never love saying goodbye to all this, I feel that I can let go because here holds no more for me now. it's a large page to turn and it's not without mourning, but it has an eerie yet exciting feeling of permanence. Like the word home has been chizzled off this place and it is ready to be rehung.
Denver.
it has been like autumn when you watch the leaves begin to change color and slowly drop to the ground. and in this watching, whether willing or not, the season changes and cool nights turn to icy cold. at last even the strongest leaves succumb to winter winds and blow away. change and beauty and climax and resolve and the steady, unfailing consistancy that time has to continue minute after minute; never slowing or speeding up to effect a different outcome.
being at home this season has been comfortable and reassuring, but not in that tucked in by the fire sort of way. comforting in the way that you are acutely aware of the texture of a wooden railing if it is the last thing you will touch before you jump from solid bridge to moving water below. that kind of comfort where you can touch something you know and then knowingly let go because it has served its purpose. to balance you until ready.
the series of returns I have made to this place where I grew up, where my family makes its home, has had many chapters full of discovery and growth and a lot of distractions, compromise, questions and dead ends. Each time I pass though this place has held something for me in the season. Now, for the first time, even though I never love saying goodbye to all this, I feel that I can let go because here holds no more for me now. it's a large page to turn and it's not without mourning, but it has an eerie yet exciting feeling of permanence. Like the word home has been chizzled off this place and it is ready to be rehung.
Denver.
Friday, January 05, 2007
thinking thoughts
it happens all the time. a moment of inspiration or a question i'd like to ponder will buzz around in the back of my head like a fly at a window. and then something interrupts this thought, and the fly finds a crack in the window and is lost to the outdoors which is my subconscious. is it narcissistic of me to find these thoughts entertaining and be disappointed to search my memory and find them gone, unprocessed? well, if so then call it my guilty pleasure.
is this inability to hang onto what seems important and worth exploring at the time another tell tale sign of my aging mind? I have never feared or loather growing old, but i wont't argue that it isn't inconvenient. I'm learning this at 22. To my knowledge i dont have wrinkles yet, but my ability to remember everything and never sleep if i dont want to is quickly fading. Is it time to start doing crossword puzzles and getting into bed by 10?
I hope not.
so, this is the explanation why ten minutes ago i thought i had all the makings of a deep, inspirational blog, and now I have only the question of where it's gone.
lame.
is this inability to hang onto what seems important and worth exploring at the time another tell tale sign of my aging mind? I have never feared or loather growing old, but i wont't argue that it isn't inconvenient. I'm learning this at 22. To my knowledge i dont have wrinkles yet, but my ability to remember everything and never sleep if i dont want to is quickly fading. Is it time to start doing crossword puzzles and getting into bed by 10?
I hope not.
so, this is the explanation why ten minutes ago i thought i had all the makings of a deep, inspirational blog, and now I have only the question of where it's gone.
lame.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
you know i wish that "i'm sorry" really did make things all better.
i'd like more than anything for that simple phrase to be all that was neccesary to make me feel less...less anything.
then again i am not a stranger to being numb, it's been my safety for years.
but i am no longer safe, and i feel, and "sorry" doesn't change that.
no matter what i'd like.
it helps a little bit i guess.
like a bandaid to stop the bleeding.
but the feeling is still there.
time is what helps, explainations sometimes bring relief but anything besides a quick fix, even for hearts, seems like overdramatizing life and it bothers me.
i bother myself when i feel too much.
i'm unaccustomed to the process.
i've never allowed it before and this situation is hardly an exception.
except that now i'm not only fighting the emotions of life, but also the battle against my own instinct to shut it all of and appear "just fine".
now for a response.
what?
i have none.
i'll heal.
i'll decide to be fine.
thanks for being sorry???
do i say i forgive you now?
is that what you wanted?
i'd like more than anything for that simple phrase to be all that was neccesary to make me feel less...less anything.
then again i am not a stranger to being numb, it's been my safety for years.
but i am no longer safe, and i feel, and "sorry" doesn't change that.
no matter what i'd like.
it helps a little bit i guess.
like a bandaid to stop the bleeding.
but the feeling is still there.
time is what helps, explainations sometimes bring relief but anything besides a quick fix, even for hearts, seems like overdramatizing life and it bothers me.
i bother myself when i feel too much.
i'm unaccustomed to the process.
i've never allowed it before and this situation is hardly an exception.
except that now i'm not only fighting the emotions of life, but also the battle against my own instinct to shut it all of and appear "just fine".
now for a response.
what?
i have none.
i'll heal.
i'll decide to be fine.
thanks for being sorry???
do i say i forgive you now?
is that what you wanted?
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