dichotomy

"She's such an amazing woman," She said. " I don't think there's a shallow bone in her body."

For some reason when my friend said that about a particular woman she admired I felt the deepest sense of conviction. "Could that be said about me?" I wondered. Without pause I knew the answer to that would have to be no. That surity disappointed me.

I have felt for some time now that I lost something along the way. I can't decided if I've become someone I'm not, or if I've become the someone that I am. Or if I'm really stuck somewhere in between just waiting for the right person to come along and 'bring out the best' in me if it's in there.

On the other hand I think the last few weeks have helped me to feel and understand some things in a way that's more deep and real; invaluably more than I ever did before. Some depth regained I suppose.

I know that the key to a good post is to make it short and sweet, so I'll end this. I'm still trying to figure out a small way to encompass the last month. Maybe I'll figure it out before the month is over.

ps: the tall cowboy is moving back to the midwest.

pps: i did not have a crush on a hick, he just happened to be riding right before i saw him.

ppss: no love lost here.

a day off worth remembering

as the summer has progressed i have found myself stuck in this pattern of waiting around to work, not working enough, and always being at work when something worthwhile seems to be going on elsewhere. coupled with that i don't think i've ever had a summer disappear so utterly fast.
in light of my inconveniet schedule, boredom and the fact that it's alread the middle of July i couldn't turn down the offer to go hiking in Glacier Park on monday. for growing up here i have surprisingly little experience hiking in general, and especially in the park.
i guess this doesn't have to turn into a lengthy description, but the point is i should've been daunted by the fact that it was a 12 mile hike, and i wasn't. even though my body protests the previous day's decisions, i am really proud of myself. there is a certain sense of accomplishment knowing you used a few hours of your day to cover such a long distance on foot.
summer is still disappearing, so i am determined to get more out of the days, which i might add are hot and finally worthy of season. thursday i plan to tube the swan river, and hopefully this weekend we're renting a raft and riding the rapids down the middle fork.
i'll get the most out of this summer yet. now i just need to remedy the minute size of my paycheck and the season won't be a total wash.

Click image for larger view

Click image for larger view

Click image for larger view

Fourth of July Weekend with my beautiful friend Amber!

Click image for larger view

What does my birthday mean?

I don't know exactly what kindof information this is derived from. But it is, however, surprisingly accurate about my personality.

Your Birthdate: September 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

rules of engagment?

so how exactly does one proceed from interested stranger to intimate friendship?

rules? strategy? opportunity? luck, looks, likes, love????

the only tip i've ever been given is that they like a challenge. i promise i can be that.

but how to engage the initial interest?

it bothers me that i even ask these questions because i don't want it to be neccesary for me to solicite attention. even with my recently quite blonde hair and my new affinity to bright colors i don't function with the intention of making people notice me.

but i do want him to notice me. to be interested. to pursue.

a little eye contact. a brief introduction. an odd joke. laughter. encounter finished.

it's nothing to go on.

but i feel so pent up about it. so utterly without influence on the situation.

and incredibly impatient.

everybody noticed the tall cowboy when he walked in. at least every single female.
there will be competition.

under my shallow attractions and frustrated impatience. i really am looking for a friend.

i'll shut up. i'll wait.

advice welcome.

make up your madness

"what are your plans for today?" my dad asks me this morning. "not like, today-today," he adds, " but your plans today?
"i don't know." i say. and continue to stare at my cereal.

remember how in school the mulitple choice question tests were always the best? the idea that one of the answers would unquestionably be provided in writing was almost always more comforting than trying to fish one out of the ai-eerhh eh i mean out of your memory.

life is a little bit like that. only the answers are now labeled well beyond D, there is no "all of the above" option and there is more to it; you have to figure out the real question, not just the answer.

that's how i feel. a hundred mulitple choices, each equally valid and enticing.....and i'm still not sure about the question.

when? where? in what order? to what end? for whom?

"3,500 miles away..."

all i know is that i'm not confused at all about how i feel. i just feel it. which isn't exactly normal at all, but i could get used to the idea. especially in retrospect of the emotional roller coaster i have ridden the past two months, along with my tendancy towards feeling quite fickle, this, this i'm just not confused about.

i would look at you because i liked what i saw, that's not new to me. the funny thing was just how often your eyes were already looking for me. what did you see? i wonder. not what it means or what could come of it, strangely i didn't wonder those things. i don't think i will bother to ask those questions tonight.

i feel no need to hide my revelation of opinion on the matter. likewise i feel no need to act upon it either. that's up to you, and i'm okay with that as well.

it's just such a peace to know that simply put i like you. like, without all the misconceptions and inferences that accompany such a statement, just simply like.

it wasn't anything. there isn't 'something'. but it could have been, it could have been the beginning of something.

as always my experiences, opinions and feelings toward such are left to the workings of time.

rather it is in God's hands, the likes of which i am thankfully becoming more and more reassured with, and i will not make anything more of my feelings than what they are.

lofty promises - true, but attainable.

you might forget me, i might forget you. but if i ever meet your eyes again i know i'll remember...and i'll like it.